Knights of Badassdom (2013)

 

Live-action role players conjure up a demon from Hell by mistake and they must deal with the consequences.

Knights of Badassdom is a dope ass horror comedy hybrid based around the concept of Live Action Role Playing and while the title is clunky as fuck, the film is put together well (and the soundtrack is fucking fantastic.) You can tell that everyone actually enjoyed themselves while making the film and that showed. On top of that, blood, guts and metal really fleshed out the film.

I can't give it a 5 because of one particular scene, but personal grievances aside, it doesn't fit my criteria because I wouldn't buy it. I can see myself owning it, but I wouldn't walk into a store specifically looking for this film to purchase. It's still a rock solid film and I dug it.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of Rock!
Nudity? No

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Black Rock (2012)

Three women's vacation on a remote island turns into a nightmare when they realize a sinister neighbor doesn't appreciate their presence.

The Cast: 

• Abby, Lou & Sarah - Three former bffs who are trying to rekindle their friendship with a relaxing weekend in the woods.
• Henry, Derek & Alex - Three men from the nearby town, who's animal hunt turns into a hunt for vagina

 
The Situation: 

After making friends and mingling, one of the women "accidentally" kills one of the men when he decides it's time for the raping. This act triggers the PTSD in the other two guys, who are former war vets, and they decide get revenge...with their guns.

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Katie Aselton, (due to her work in The League), is one of my favorite actresses, and I practically jumped at this film when I saw that not only was she in it, she directed it as well. Much to my surprise though, she is also credited with writing the story. Shit I think she was the casting director too, as there's a part where both she and Lake Bell end up Butt-Ass Nekkid and knowing Katie, she probably only added that scene and cast Lake Bell in that role so that we can see Lake Bell's fantastic rack. God Bless Katie Aselton. The only real dark spot on this tale however, is Kate Bosworth. From where did they dig her up? Kate Bosworth hasn't been relevant since Blue Crush and honestly, calling her relevant at all is pretty fucking generous on my part.

Outside of that, Black Rock is decent. Simply decent and nothing more. A popcorn thriller starring three feuding ladies who find themselves in a bind and are forced to come together to deal with a deadly threat. It could have probably been a bit better than it was, but it wasn't terrible, (as far as films like these go.)

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Tomb Raider Ascension (2007)

**So it turns out that this was a legit film. Wow. It was bad enough to convince me it was a fan remake. You can disregard this entire review. I don't feel like rewriting it.***

Tomb Raider Asencsion is an hr long attempt at a reboot of the popular Tomb Raider franchise. In this one, Lara is 17 and kinda bratty. Her father is world famous explorer, Richard Croft and he has requested that she join him in his newest dig in the Himalayas. Along the way, Her plane starts to break apart and she wakes up in a hospital about a week or three later. 

At the request of her uncle, She returns to her home after her father has gone missing for three years and he's been declared dead. She does not believe he's dead and after an extended dream sequence the film cuts to her running through the jungle, training with a military guy in weapons and hand to hand combat. The family butler, Winston, informs her of the Mayan calendar and her father's last mission. The Ascension Stone is said to hold the power to save the world from the events of the Mayan apocalypse. She decides to take up his search, hoping to both find him and succeed where literally, everyone else who has tried has died failing.

I'm grateful for The most recent Tomb Raider game. It has successfully rebooted the franchise and was so good, it made us forget all the other Tomb Raider related shit (minus the first game). This film was pretty bad, but I've learned since then that it was a fan made remake. Keeping that in mind, I can't judge it too harshly. I can see where they wanted to go with it but seriously, no. 

I know that this movie seeks to cover a lot within an hour, but seriously here's a mixed bag of things that were put to film:

• The Mayan Apocalypse is real and although we've been feeling the symptoms of our impending doom, the governments of the world have managed to convince its populations that global warming is the true culprit and there's no reason to be concerned.
• Lara walks into a, cave, trips over one rock, and finds the unfindable stone that has been lost for centuries.
• It's like they tried to make it as much like the original video game as possible. Including shit like avoiding bullets by doing several cartwheels and backflips in a row.
• There was a moment where her partner calls out to Alfred, her butler, when they've explicitly stated his name was Winston.
• They tried to dress her up like the late 90s version of the character. (Braid, shades, camouflage, etc.)

Despite the bad, (and there was a lot of that,) it was a decent film that did what it could in an hour and it did manage to mix in some humor though. That made things a little easier to swallow. It's a fan made remake, and those are pretty hit or miss. Usually miss though. 

It would be unfair of me to score a fan film, so I won't. Sucks for you. 

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Redtails (2010)

A crew of African American pilots in the Tuskegee training program, having faced segregation while kept mostly on the ground during World War II, are called into duty under the guidance of Col. A.J. Bullard.

Red Tails, if you haven't already deduced, is the story of a squadron of negro fighter pilots aka the Tuskeegee Airmen, --with more flying and less disease testing-- who against all odds, aided in the war effort for the allied soldiers.

The Situation:

The army had decided that negroes were unfit to fly airplanes and have decided to shutter their program, but with the help of a high ranking white officer and their Colonel, The Red Squad gets one final mission to prove themselves. If they succeed, they will give their unit some credibility and if they fail and the government has every reason to shut them down. 

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Red Tails is drama for the sake of drama so be warned. There's a leader who is an alcoholic with daddy issues, a glory hog who has issues following orders, a rookie pilot captured by the enemy, racial tension, world war --Shit, this could have been a Tyler Perry film, If they played up the black Jesus did a bit more and actually had a wedding. On top of all that, a lot of this shit was telegraphed, but it is what it is. 

What I didn't know though was that it also starred Heisenberg, Terrence Howard, Cuba Gooding Jr and bubbles from the wire. 

Anyway,  I'm torn between giving this a two or a three. On one end, it's a long and relatively pointless exercise in drama and on the other, air battles and fighter jets are dope. The problem with this is that I can't give half scores and since I'm even having this discussion (albeit with myself) I'll have to scale upwards. 

Lame

 

Violence? Yes

Explosions? Yes

Nudity? No

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Dead Before Dawn (2013)

A group of college kids unwittingly create an evil curse that causes everyone whine they make eye contact with to turn into zombie demons.

So why would I waste my time with this flick? Devin Bostick. He plays Roderick in the Wimpy Kid series of films and I want to Dr what he can do outside of the confines of a family film. Especially as a lead. Also 

Christopher Lloyd is in it. Can't beat that. Anyway, onto the review:

The Situation: 

When he was a small child, Roderick watched his father get possessed by a artifact. He still has nightmares since then and he refuses to go near the occult shop his family owns. Feeling guilty though, he agrees to watch the shop for his grandfather who is receiving an award later that night.

In an attempt to impress a girl he's crushing on, he disturbs an item he was specifically warned not to touch and in doing so releases the curse of all curses. one created by them in jest but becomes real in a few hours. At 10 pm, everyone they make eye contact with will kill themselves and come back as a Zombie-Demon (Zemons). Freaking out because he knows that shit has gotten real, his love interest tells him "Nothing's gonna happen. It'd be cool if it did, but it won't." You can guess what happens after that. 

The rest of the film is spent trying to fix what evil they have wrought with predictable, yet hilarious results. 

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Dead By Dawn was a fun little film. I think dude is still Roderick, he wasn't really playing that much different. Just less confident, I guess. They did find a way to get Christopher Lloyd to yell out, "Great Scott!" which is worth an automatic half star from me, but unlike the Sith, I do deal in absolutes. Meaning It's a bonus full star the film will get: 

Violence? Yes

Explosions? No

Nudity? No

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Thor: The Dark World (2014)

When Jane Foster is possessed by a great power, Thor must protect her from a new threat of old times: the Dark Elves. 

The Cast

Thor - Human Loving Norse God

Odin - Asgard Loving God

Jane Foster - Thor Tarzan, Her Jane

Loki - Handsome Trickster God

Dark Elves - Yeah. They went there

The Situation:

A race called the Dark Elves had planned to bring the entire universe back into darkness. After their ultimate weapon, The Ether, was lost they withdrew from battle. Since its power was too great for it to be destroyed, it was ordered to be buried, where eventually  It was found by a group of kids on Earth. Investigating the phenomena is Jane Foster, who inadvertently awakens the Dark Elves from their slumber and with the universe being aligned soon, they are eager to pick up where they left off.

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To sum everything up in one paragraph:

Dark Elves exist and aim to bring about darkness. Their plans are stopped by the Asguardians. They hibernate and reawaken when their ultimate weapon is found. Since it happens to be on Asgard. They aim to kill birds with stones and destroy them. Shit gets real as People die and are exploded and Thor is now assigned to protect the peace and get revenge.

Here's what worked for me:

Loki is brought to trial for his crimes in N.Y. meaning Thor is a direct sequel to The Avengers.

Thor shows up and exits via rainbow force field.

"Ho-Lee Shit" -Kat Dennigs aka Lizzie Caplan with boobs

The Set pieces are amazing. This movie just looks fantastic.

The Cameo. [You'll know it when you see it.]

Here's what I didn't like:

For as pretty as it is, it really isn't that good of a film. 

Learning that one of the characters was quite a badass then having them die near immediately to further an already think plot.

The "strong female scientist" turns into a quivering mass of vagina as soon as Thor is around. I get the dude is like 93% muscle, but come on. And don't even get me started on

Randoms with unexplained super powers

The dialogue.

 

The Post Post credits scene.

Thor 2 is just as mediocre as the first, but neither are terrible films. They just aren't great. They look amazing. I posit that the film is actually hurt by Natalie Portman. There's no logic behind that statement, but whatever, this is my blog. 

Violence? Yes

Explosions? Yes. Tons

Nudity? No

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Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters (2013)

***An iCheck Movies Listed Film***

I greatly enjoyed the first film. I'm curious as to where they go in this one.

It's a new year at camp half blood and despite saving Olympus on the last film, Percy can't get over the hump of being a one quest chump. 

After the camp is attacked, he learns that he is part of a, grand prophecy, and he will either save or destroy Olympus when the time comes. But he must first seek the Golden Fleece, and heal the tree that provides the barrier of protection for the camp.

Luke, his nemesis from the first film, has turned a few of the other Demi-God's to his cause and he again seeks to bring about the fall of Olympus. He needs the Golden Fleece in order to revive Kronos, King of the Titans who has the power to destroy Zeus and all the Olympians.

Their paths cross in the Sea of Monsters, where the fleece resides and the fate of the world hangs in the balance.

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I said it before and I'll say it again, I like Greek mythology. Percy Jackson is a dope series. I haven't read the books and I don't intend to, but the movies are consistently entertaining. The concept is awesome (ancient Greek mythology in the modern world), the special effects are dope and the comedy elements from the first are carried over into the film (although they've been noticeably played down in favor of Percy's battle against self-doubt.)

If you watched and enjoyed the first, you'll like the second. Sea of Monsters is the second film in the series, but you don't have to watch The Lightning Thief to understand/enjoy it.

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Stray Quotage:

"It's the chariot of the damned.
         It looks like a NYC taxi.
Same difference"

"I'd be hurt if I wasn't such a self confident individual"

"I had to crawl through the depths of Tartarus itself...and Cleveland"

Violence? Ancient Greek Self defense
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Oz The Great and Powerful (2013)

***An iCheck Movies Listed Film***

Someone decided that 60yrs was long enough and the story of the Wizard of Oz has to be told from the wizard's point of view. Exactly who is the man behind the curtain? What are his motivations? Does he dream in Technicolor?

The Cast:

• Oz, charlatan magician/future king
• Zach braff, magicians assistant, future ape
• Theodora, the wickedest of all the wicked witches
• Elnora, creates witches, watches the throne like JayZ
• Glenda, the Good witch

The Situation:

Oz is a conman magician in a traveling circus during the Dust Bowl era of Kansas. He feels that he is better than he is and he shouldn't have to be performing in dusty towns. He wishes to be a great man and while running from some danger, he is caught in the middle of a cyclone and transported to the Land of Oz, where becomes their prophesied savior and saves the land from the terror of the Wicked Witch.

The Resolution:

Despite a rocky journey, he finds himself  defeating the witch and saving the land. He makes preparations for the future saviour because evil can never die.

Along the way, he becomes the man he's always wanted to be and the hero the world always knew he was.

 

   Oz hath no fury like a witch who's scorned...

Oz The Great and Powerful is a better movie and story than I thought it'd be. Idk what I expected, but I found myself pleased. It's an origin story that explains how and why one became wicked and the other became Zordon. On top of that, it movie looks and sounds amazing and is very well acted (even though the writing was hammy). It seemed like they had fun filming and surprisingly no one mailed in their performance, which tends to happen in movies like these. I'm giving special props to Mila Kunis. Her turn as the witch was amazing and she acted her ass off.

All the stuff is there, The Emerald City, The Yellow Brick Road, the flying monkeys, and the witch's water allergy. But there were only a few things that bothered me. Namely, Oz is propheczed to be the Wizard King of the land, but it's never made clear whether he's a king of all wizards or a wizard who is also a king.

Also the super hammy dialogue was a bit much: 

"You could be a good man, if you wanted to." But I don't. I don't want to be a good man, I want to be a great man." Ugh.

That's all I ever wanted for you, greatness." Double ugh. 

I'm like just get to the flying monkeys! and of course the flying monkeys are baboons. Baboons are terrifying.

Zach Braff? How did that happen? Maybe he's running out of that good Scrubs money? 

Nah. He probably always wanted to be a flying monkey or some shit.

 
Stray Quotage: 

- Let's go make some magic
- Of course I'll save this little talking money...in a bellhop's uniform.
- Are you really going to do this? 

         How hard can it be to kill a wicked witch?

    Hard. Really hard. Really really hard.

- Every lie you tell gets us one step closer to the emerald city dungeon.
      Then don't think if them as lies, think of them as stepping stones on the road to greatness

 

Violence? Eh
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Santos (2008)

Santos, a failed comic book artist, lives in a parallel universe where he's a superhero who has to save the world.

A Comic book writer finds out that the world he thought he has created is actually real, and the stories he was telling were actually repressed memories. It also turns out that his bff for life is also from the same planet, equally as powerful and intent on destroying the world and he is destined to defeat him using his own powers. Santos is a cheesy, but ultimately self aware flick that nails the comedy from the nerdy aspect of the superhero/comic book genre. Plus Elsa Pataky and her wonderful super powered breasts make an appearance.

Violence?  Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Super Titty

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Paul (2011)

Two sci-fi geeks take a pilgrimage to America's UFO heartland. While there, they accidentally meet an alien who brings them on an insane road trip that alters their universe forever.

 Nearly any movie starring Simon Pegg, and Nick Frost is worth a watch. This one adds Seth Rogen as the titular (hee hee, titular) alien, Paul, who stumbles into the pair as they sight-see in Roswell, NM. Of course the Govt is trying to get him back and well, hijinks ensue. I'd say Paul was pretty well done and a film I'd easily recommend. Plus Nick Frost with hippie hair? I'm in.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief (2010)

Zeus is pissed that someone has stolen his lightning bolt. Since the brothers cannot steal each other's powers, he automatically believes that Poseidons son is the culprit. He gives Poseidon 14 days to return it, or he will declare war.

Percy Jackson is what he believes to be a normal high school teen who happens to suffer from dyslexia. He lives with his mom and deadbeat stepfather in an apartment in NYC.

Everything changes for him on a museum field trip. His teacher changes into a fury, his best friend is revealed as a guardian, and the tour guide was a keeper of a huge secret. Turns out that even his mother is in it. When they finally break it down for him, his mother reveals that he is a demigod. The son of Poseidon and a mortal.

Although he vehemently denies it, Everyone is after him because they have been led to believe that he has stolen Zeus' bolt. Hades kidnaps his mother and holds her for ransom. He intends to use the bolt to break out of his prison and rule Olympus. Percy basically decides "fuck that, I don't have the bolt anyway" and sets out to gain entry to hell to retrieve his mom. Along the way, he grows into his abilities, finds the bolt, the true culprit and reconciles with Poseidon. 

Sean Bean as an immortal? Unfathomable.

How did I miss this movie? The Lightning Thief is a pretty darn good movie. The visual effects are dope and the comedy breaks up the ridiculousness. I'm digging how they've taken Greek Mythology and blended it with present day society. (Olympus is accessed from the empire state building, the entrance to Hades is in Hollywood California, etc) and there's a fucking Minotaur.

What I didn't like was how they had about 10 days to find the bolt and 

1) Percy really didn't give a fuck about that. He was only in it to save his mom. (It basically landed in his lap)
2) they drove from NY to CA (with a stop inbetween in TN) and still had enough time left to lose 5 days in a drug induced haze.

Ridiculous.

Then they stole a Maserati (the logo is a trident) and Rosario Dawson showed up in a corset and I just about forgot my whole damn argument. 

 Oh. My. Zeus.

Check out the noticeables in the rest of the cast list: 

Brandon T. Jackson 
Sean Bean [Immortal]
Kevin McKidd [Rome!!!]
Steve Coogan [Rock Me Sexy Jesus!]
Melina Kanakaredes
Uma Thurman [The Bride]
Pierce Brosnan [The Bond]
Catherine Keener

Joe Pantoliano [Matrix!!!]

And no one mailed in their performance. Uma Thurman killed it as Medusa. 

Fuck it, I'm a sucker for Greek Mythology. Percy Jackson is the shit. 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Big Fish (2003)

****An iCheckMovies Listed Movie Review****

The story revolves around a dying father and his son, who is trying to learn more about his dad by piecing together the stories he has gathered over the years. The son winds up re-creating his father's elusive life in a series of legends and myths inspired by the few facts he knows. Through these tales, the son begins to understand his father's great feats and his great failings.

Essentially a man has spent his life telling people stories of his life. As he lays on his death bed, his son recounts these tales and the story of his life while hoping to uncover their veracity.


Big fish has to be one of the most creatively boring movies I've ever seen. It really is an elaborate fantasy, and one of the most colorful Tim Burton films. But oh, man is it boring. The highlight of the movie was Danny Devito looking Like Ron Jeremy in a circus chimp outfit.

Violence? Does a face punch count?
Explosions? Of tall tales
Nudity? Some booty. Some booby.

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James and the Giant Peach (1996)

***An iCheckMovies listed movie Review*** 

An orphan with terrible aunts for guardians, befriends human like bugs who live inside a giant peach, who take the boy on a journey to New York City.

He's given a bag of magic crocodile tongues by a creepy stranger and told that they will help him get to New York City. He is cautioned not to spill or lose the bag which he immediately does and it's magic causes a peach to grow. Eventually he crawls inside and it shrinks him with it's magic. He meets insects who help the peach to set sail and soon he's on his way to NYC with his new friends.

So I'm sitting here watching this film like, isn't it supposed to be animated? It took a while but we finally got there.
 
My final thought was that I might have enjoyed this had I watched it as a child, but as an adult it just made me wish that I had developed fetal alcohol syndrome.

I'm not saying anything else about it.This movie sucked. Hard.

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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How to Train Your Dragon (2010)

****An iCheckMovies Listed Movie Review****

A hapless young Viking who aspires to hunt dragons becomes the unlikely friend of a young dragon himself, and learns there may be more to the creatures than he assumed.

Vikings. Dragons. Finally these two awesome entities collide. Why hasn't this been done sooner?

Hiccup is atypical. he longs to be a true Viking yet In a village full of burly warriors, he's a scrawny thinker and for that he is ostracized. During a nighttime raid, he manages to capture the elusive Night Flier, a dragon that no one has ever seen. No one believes him so he sets out to find it on his own. Unable to kill it, he sets it free and they develop a mutual respect and friendship. He eventually uses his new found knowledge to rewrite their information books as he learns that everything they know about dragons is wrong.

The dragons are presented as pests to the Viking village and it is eventually decided that wiping out their nest is their best option for survival. Hiccup, however, learns that the dragons are only raiding their village in order to feed their queen, otherwise she will eat them. When he tries to tell his father, he is summarily dismissed and basically called a traitor. Thick headed and foolhardy, his father uses Hiccup's dragon, Toothless, to direct him to the hidden dragon nest which he intends to destroy and bites off more than he can chew when the Queen Dragon is awakened.

The "Queen Dragon." It can fly and has fire breath.

Hiccup immediately gathers his friends and remaining dragons and flies out to the island in order to save both toothless and his dad.


How to Train Your Dragon was actually a pretty solid film. It was a little more adult oriented and the action was consistently good. Plus, I'm a sucker for nearly anything dragon. [Dragon-Related tangent: You know the one thing that is never covered in dragon movies? Dragon shit. Seriously. They eat, they shit. How has this not been covered?!]

Out of Ten? 8 

Fuck Thriftshops, Dragons are fucking awesome.

Violence? Hot Man on Dragon and Dragon on Man action.
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol (2013)

Super-agent Ethan Hunt dangles from skyscrapers and otherwise takes daring to new heights on another operation from the Impossible Missions Force. Helping Hunt get the job done is droll fellow IMF agent Luther Stickel.

Tom Cruise does his fourth impossible flick because somehow somewhere, some studio exec still believes that he'll find a mission that Tom Cruise can't complete or will not take on.
 
Joining him this time is the awesome Simon Pegg who doubles as their communications specialist and comedic relief, Paula Patton who plays a very capaable covert agent and Jeremy Renner who has a secret connection to Cruise's character and is also secretly Jason Bourne.

Paula Patton is incredibly sexy and she needs to be doing more. 

Sidenote: Damn you Robin Thicke!

No lie, I got excited for that Ving Rhames cameo. Seriously, where has he been?


Ghost protocol is largely a popcorn flick. There's gun play, explosions, and gadgets. It does it's job. I can admit that I found it to be a little better than I gave it credit for originally, but I think they should stop now. Like right now.

Out of Ten? 7

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2013)

A younger and more reluctant Hobbit, Bilbo Baggins, sets out on an "unexpected journey" to the Lonely Mountain with a spirited group of Dwarves to reclaim their stolen mountain home from a dragon named Smaug.

The Hobbit is the official (three movie) prequel to the Lord of the Rings Saga. Through the greed of Hollywood and the magic of New Zealand, they have found a way to tell a story in three films where the book it was based was able to wrap it all up in one.

If you couldn't infer from that paragraph, The Hobbit is both long and boring. Establishing the team (meaning getting Bilbo ready and explaining the Dwarves) and Bilbo coming into possession of The Ring by cheating Gollum was the only thing of relevance that occurred. There was also a Rock'Em Sock'Em fighting scene. It was pointless, but I mention it for the nostalgia aspect.

 Rock'Em Sock'Em Robots were the shit! But Rock'Em Sock'Em Rock Monsters?

The film was also very pretty, but at one point you would think that someone would speak up and tell somebody that no one wants to watch people walk across and through mountains for two hours. Then again, judging by it's box office returns, there are clearly people who do.


I'm giving the Hobbit a six because of Martin Freeman (Bilbo) and because Gollum was in the movie. Oh and Gandalf. Dude is a badass.

 What I want, is my time back!

Out of Ten? 6

Violence? Dwarves vs. Orcs/Trolls
Explosions? No
Nudity? No. I just realized that there are no women in this film series. I guess everyone just comes from eggs?

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