Luther - 2010 (TV Series)

In this BBC series. Idris Elba wrecks shop as Luther, a self destructive cop who sits firmly in the gray as it relates to his job. The show follows the case of the week format for a few episodes, then it jumps into a cat and mouse style battle of wits as the brilliant but flawed DCI (Detective Chief Inspector) Luther matches wits with the equally as brilliant but obviously flawed psychopaths of the city. As unorthodox and or unethical as it seems, he gets shit done.

Make no mistake, Luther is a cerebral show. But the twists and turns it takes to resolve its cases will draw you in and help you appreciate quality shows such as this. So far, there are 2 seasons or series as they are called across the pond, and I look forward to another two. Maybe it is because the quality of our TV has really gone down, but I'm realizing that the BBC has really stepped up their game lately. Between this show, Sherlock (2010),  Jekyll (2007), and Dead Set (2008), I am 100% impressed and open to viewing nearly anything they have to offer.

Luther definitely cracks my top 10 series list (top 5 in british shows).
It is currently on instant watch. Why not give it a shot?

                                                                      

Violence? Yes. Psychopaths abound. People die.
Explosions? Rarely. There may be one or two
Nudity? There may be a titty or two. The british aren't as uptight about showing boobs as we are.

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Feast - 2005

In a remote bar, a newcomer advises the customers to seal the place up, as hungry monsters will soon attack them. The customers must quickly organize a strategy to defend themselves from the deadly creatures.

Feast is a survival horror flick directed by the winners of the very last season of Project Greenlight. The movie is survival horror/action, with a few people visiting a bar in the desert who are forced to cooperate to survive when blood-thirsty monsters attack.

From the very beginning, Feast plays on your perception of horror flicks. When you think you know what to expect, you will definitely receive something different. Neither the monsters nor the survivors are given back-stories,  only title cards, if any, and that works as the movie puts you right in the action immediately.

As with most horror flicks, there is some comedy to lighten the mood, but sometimes its used to set up the next kill. Either way it works. The fun of the movie is in the different personalities forced to work together to survive.

Overall, feast is a lot of fun. Its gory, its funny, and it doesn't give you the same old formula. It has also spawned two sequels (which were entertaining, but totally fell off the tracks, totally.) and won a few independent awards on its own. Watch alone, then watch with friends because they might pick up on something you've missed.

I feel like the trailer gives away a bit too much, but at the least, it will give you a better idea of your interest level in the film:

I came in with low expectations, and left thrilled. It's a solid film with a few flaws, but those are easily overlooked.

Violence? Yes. Gratuitous horror movie violence. The monsters are vicious and everyone is a victim.
Explosions? Nope.
Nudity? Nope. But you won't miss it.

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Killer Elite - (2011)

 

 Based on a true story, Killer Elite pits two of the worlds' most elite operatives - Danny, an ex-special ops agent (Jason Statham) and Hunter, his longtime mentor (Robert De Niro) - against the cunning leader of a secret military society ('Clive Owen'). Covering the globe from Australia to Paris, London and the Middle East, Danny and Hunter are plunged into a highly dangerous game of cat and mouse - where the predators become the prey.

After taking a bullet during a mission in Mexico, the Stath swears off Mercenary work. He soon receives a package in the mail with a plane ticket and an Al Queda-like picture of a captured Deniro. He has six months to kill the men who killed a wealthy sheikh's children. Turns out those men were British S.A.S. A Highly elite, well trained branch of the British Armed Forces.  Along the way, he eventually runs afoul of the Pornstache who is assigned to kill him and protect the S.A.S. After a botched assassination, Stath pulls the plug, but when one of his friends it's kidnapped and killed, he has a face to face with Pornstache where they have the tough guy talk and reaffirm each others toughness.

Doesn't he just look...rapey?

The Stath vs. The Stache picks up once it's revealed that they were both being double crossed by their handlers. Stath wants to finish his mission so he can be left alone, 'Stache just wants to kill Stath. By the end though, the Stath walks away from the mercenary life. The 'Stache says he may show up to finish their battle, and the Stath says, "I'll be ready."


Killer Elite is actually kinda, boring.
When they aren't fighting or shooting, the movie is quite slow. When Owen and Statham actually faced off, The Stath was busy getting his ass handed to him. Apparently mustaches really do make one better at hand to hand combat. How much better? The Stath had to resort to a nutshot to win.

 A Fuckin' Nutshot?! Shit, This 'Stache whips ass.

Outside of that, I lost interest in this film pretty early. Was just going through the motions until the end, but Yvonne Strahotsky offers one of the few redeeming qualities of this film. She's just relegated to an eye candy role, but that works as she didn't have much to say anyway.

Ladies, surprisingly, there aren't any shirtless scenes, but there is a wifebeater.

Fellas:
Yvonne Strahovsky:

Umm, listen, I'm going wrap this up. Something's suddenly come up...

Out of Ten? 6

Although I like the idea of  Deniro as a gun toting mercenary, I'm definitely turned off by Clive Owens porn 'stache.


Violence? Yes
Explosions? Probably. I stopped paying attention after a while
Nudity? No.

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The Orphanage - 2007

A woman brings her family back to her childhood home, where she opens an orphanage for handicapped children. Before long, her son starts to communicate with an invisible new friend.

Shortly after moving into a new home, Laura begins to notice strange things. She starts to remember it was an abandoned orphanage. Her son soon makes a "friend." After her son goes missing(of course), she decides to play with the ghosts in the hope that they'll lead her to him.  Along the way, she uncovers a grisly truth about the orphanage and her connection to the place.

The orphanage is a ghost story. The much is told to you upfront. The fun is in how this story develops.  Little children are creepy and there is no exception in this film. I wouldn't call this a masterpiece, but it is a solid work of fiction.

Out of 10? 7

Solid movie. Better than I expected and just as good on multiple viewings.

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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JCVD - 2008

You're looking at a broken man...with no one to blame but himself.

JCVD is a remarkably candid discussion disguised as a movie. In it, former action star Jean Claude Van Damme plays himself as he tries to restart his career in Hollywood. With brutal honesty, he discusses his current life and why and how his career initially fell apart. In between those scenes, he's being held hostage during a bank robbery and the criminals make it appear that he's become so destitute that he chose to rob it. After a while he goes with it in order to get the money to pay his lawyers fees.

JCVD is actually a pretty good movie and it provides and in depth look into Van Damme's life and struggles and It makes you feel bad for him. You do want to see him succeed. For Fuck's sake, he's Jean Claude Van Damme! Have we forgotten Bloodsport already?! Bloodsport!!!

The movie is about atonement and redemption. Van Damme is conveying to you that he has been his own worst enemy and showing you how he is trying to dig himself out of the hole he's put himself into. It is definitely worth a watch, in my opinion. Take a look at the trailer. It just doesn't seem like one of his usual "Straight to TV movies."

Besides, how can you hate a guy that says something to the effect of "I need to be more selective with my roles going forward, I'm trying to protect my image this time around." and immediately does "Universal Soldier 5?"

Violence? Yes. It may be introspective, but it is still a Van Damme flick.
Explosions? Yes, still a Van Damme flick.
Nudity? No. Not this time.

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Edison Force - 2005

Upon discovering a den of corrupt policemen, a fresh-faced journalist makes a shaky allies in a jaded reporter and investigator for a powerful district attorney.

Classic Corrupt police force vs journalist story. Believing himself to be a good writer, timberlake searches for that one story that would make his career. Said story land in his lap and he runs with it. Unfortunately, the police have a good thing going and they won't let him ruin it. So he becomes public (private) enemy #1 and eventually learns the dark side of journalism.

In one scene, he is accosted outside of a night club. My only thought was, "daaammnn." Either McDermott is a super strong cop or Timberlake's girl can't take a punch. Comatose. Either way, the camera dude immediately cut to out her medic alert bracelet.

That's a baaaadd man.

This movie boasted a nearly all star cast. Plenty of heavyweights, yet it went straight to DVD.
Just look at this cast list:

Morgan freeman
Kevin Spacey
LL Cool J
Dylan McDermott
Justin Timberlake
Cary Elwes
Roslyn Sanchez
Piper Perabo

So...yeah. I had to watch it. I couldn't understand how a movie with all of this star power went straight to DVD. After I watched it. I understood. Freeman and Spacey carry with them a certain cinematic weight which can bring a film legitimacy. Specifically, Freeman's presence is intense. In one scene when he's berating Timberlake's character, and eventually fires him, I felt like he fired me. I was seriously depressed for like 1 min. Unfortunately, none of that weight helped this film. LL Cool J is always himself in these movies, so he wasn't the issue. It came down to three things: plot, direction and Timberlake. Sadly, I get the plot, I do. But things could have been made clearer. Idk exactly what they were trying to accomplish but something felt... off.

Out of 10? 5.5 

I want to say six, but I didn't enjoy it all that much. And curiosity plus it's cast list was the only reason I checked it out. I don't feel letdown, it was just about what I expected and part of this grade was due to the 5 minute scene of Morgan Freeman dancing. Dude was getting down. But here's the thing, as funny as that was to watch, I never want to see anything like that again. Morgan fucking freeman should not be dancing.

Lucky for me, unfortunate for you, I can't find that clip, so I've attached this one instead:

Violence? Yes. Corrupt Cops bring the Pain!!!
Explosions? No
Nudity? I think there was a scene in a strip club, but don't quote me.

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Chronicle - 2012

Three high school friends gain superpowers after making an incredible discovery. Soon, though, they find their lives spinning out of control and their bond tested as they embrace their darker sides.

Okay, first of all, that plot is misleading. Only one of the kids willingly embraced the dark side. The other two were trying to knock some sense into him. There a scene not too far from after they first get their powers, when Andrew nearly kills a dude, and while the other two are yelling and asking "WTF?!!", he just looks at them and calmly says, "What? I don't see why you're so upset?" That's both funny and psychotic at the same time.

Moving on, shit calms down and as they get more acquainted with their powers, Steve tries to teach Andrew how to be more confident. They use their powers to perform at the talent show and tear the house down. They are the big men on campus and the talk of the town. At a huge high school bash, Andrew is about to get laid by the stereotypical 40yr old pretending to be a high school student when he pukes on her and becomes a laughingstock.

Can you believe she's never been kissed?

So, You know what happens next right? Its Clobberin' Time! 

Hey, spoiler alert: The black guy dies. (Rule #3 in effect y'all!)
To be honest, it wasn't completely unnecessary, but someone had to go just to illustrate
1) how powerful they were
2) how withdrawn/mentally unstable Andrew's had become.

Unfortunately the only expendable character was of course the charismatic negro, Steve. In thinking on it, I guess it was symbolic as he had saved Steve's life earlier in the film. So he got to take it away later. Holding true to rule #3, it was off-screen, during a lightning storm that never happened, and they found his body on an empty field. With no more mention, explanation or investigation given than that. What. The. Fuck?

 

Steve had dreams. He had a future. He had superpowers!..And You Killed Him...You Monsters!!!!

Eventually, Matt and Andrew have a big ass super-powered fight in the middle of the city, televised, with cops watching as they flew, essentially deflected bullets, force pushed, and threw a large amount of vehicles at each other. And You mean to tell me that there's no acknowledgment of this incident? You mean Matt just flies off scot-free and there isn't an international manhunt for him? Bullshit.


Chronicle is a movie about teens who develop superpowers and not a teenage super hero movie. You may have to read that sentence a few times to get it, but there is a distinction. There really was no reason for dude to turn evil. He could have solved his issues with gentle application of his powers. I mean, The other two dudes got powers and became more confident, he got powers and became withdrawn? It just feels like they were creating conflict because "something has to go wrong." In that vein, they introduced an alcoholic abusive character who served no purpose other than pushing one of our heroes over the edge.

 

I guess this is why we shouldn't bully children?

Let this be a lesson to all you deadbeat, drunk and/or abusive parents out there:
Your child may have superpowers.
They may use them against you, they may turn villain, and they may even fuck up a whole town trying to kill you. Don't be selfish. Love your children. Please. For the World's sake.

Also, for whatever reason, this scene, was in the trailer but not in the actual film.

 I just feel that you should know this going in.

Out of Ten? 6.5

I more understand why no one talks about this film. It was neither good nor bad. Just...there.  I expected more. I guess. But, I still want superpowers though.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Conan O'Brien Can't Stop - 2011

A documentary on Conan O'Brien's comedy tour of the U.S. and Canada after leaving his post at "The Tonight Show" and severing his relationship with NBC.

Filmed during his infamous "break" from television, Conan O'brien Can't Stop is a glimpse into the manic life of everyone's favorite unemployed (at the time) comedian.

As par for the course at the time, there was a candid discussion of the NBC nonsense, and you can see that it really did hurt him. But he'd tell you himself that that buyout helped the healing process. Can't Stop didn't touch too much on his private life, just his work ethic and work-ahol-ism. He drives his employees crazy, but they are family too. His loyal staff including his P.A. Soma, help him through this tour and provide laughs as well.

Mmm...Come for the laughs, stay for Soma...brown-chicken-brown-cow.

What I learned from watching this documentary:

• Conan needs to perform. He has to.
• The "Legally Prohibited From appearing on Television Comedy tour" was a success
• Each arena was sold out
• He regularly stays behind to sign autographs
• He genuinely loves his work and loves his fans even more so
• He is a pretty good guitarist

Out of Ten? 10

It is still a documentary, so don't be surprised at the lulls. However, even at his most depressed, he manages to be entertaining. Conan O'Brien fans, you will love this one.

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Mean girls - 2004

Cady Heron is a hit with The Plastics, the A-list girl clique at her new school, until she makes the mistake of falling for Aaron Samuels, the ex-boyfriend of alpha Plastic Regina George.

Dude, Mean Girls.
You don't know how many times I've had this convo:

Friend - Recommend me a movie.
Me - Okay, mean girls
Friend - Nah. Not watching that lame foolishness.
Me - No. That movie is actually pretty funny, and it stars a PRE-Cocaine Lindsey Lohan. Do you remember when she was hot? I think you need to watch this flick. If only for this one scene:

All Conversation usually ends at that point as we quickly go down that youtube rabbit hole. (Fucking YouTube..)

Mmmm...

Anyway, the movie is hilarious, yes it is another high school movie, but Lindsey Lohan was hot and talented, Rachel McNichols was in the movie and everyone pulled their weight, and if you watch, you might actually learn something about "Girl World." Watch it with a lady for bonus points. which you may be able to cash in for nookie (probably not, though)

Remember when Lindsey Lohan was hot?

Solid underrated flick. 

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? Unfortunately no.

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Pulling - 2006(TV Series)

On the Day before her wedding, Donna decides her life is boring and she wants to be single. She then calls off the wedding moves in with her two single best friends. Thus begins a series I'd describe as a raunchy romantic dramedy. Don't let that description turn you off. It is definitely comedy first, using their drama and romantic failures as the setup to it's punchlines.

The show is funny and actually pretty well written. To me, the mark of a good show is when I find myself invested in the characters, and to it's credit, I got sucked in. Each of the ladies are equally comical and they support each other while getting the chance to shine individually.

Canceled after 2 seasons, they were allowed an hr long special to wrap up outstanding plot lines. But that was clearly disjointed. They jumped forward in time about 6 months and You could tell that the series was being rushed to it's conclusion. Plot lines, new loves, and bad situations, just to name a few things that were left hanging or unanswered by the series finale. The hr special was supposed to help alleviate, but it only highlighted the burden of the show's sudden departure.

A clip. Just because I can:

Out of Five? Four. Another good production unfortunately hurt by it's untimely cancellation. 

Bonus: Sharon Horgan(Donna) wrote and starred in this raunchy female led BBC series. You can see her currently as the love interest in The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret.


Violence? Comedic
Explosions? No
Nudity? Surprisingly, none.

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They Died Too Soon...

***Editor Note: This list was done in 2010, and as much as I hated 2011 year in movies, I'm sure I'm missing at least one or two characters. Hit the comments, let me know your thoughts.***

King Leonidas - 300

Spartans are warriors and they always fight to the death. But it takes a special type of badass to defy the laws of his own country and lead a team of 300 men who nearly toppled the Persian Empire. Plus he kicked a dude into a bottomless pit and nearly speared Xerxes to death.

Angeline Jolie - Wanted

Honestly, I didn't like Wanted, but there is no denying that Fox was a bad ass assassin. True, some of her scenes were over the top, but the opening scene in which she fires a shotgun out of a moving car, during a high speed chase, while steering with her feet and shitting on the new guy, earned her the distinction of making this list.

Tony Montana - Scarface

One of Pacino's greatest performances. Tony Montana went from a penniless Cuban immigrant to a millionaire drug lord. He was badass even until the end, nearly taking out every one who stormed his house all while high as fuck. Cocaine is indeed a hell of a drug.

John Creasy - Man on Fire

What. A. Character. John Creasy marked Denzel's second foray into Badassery after playing Det. Alanzo Harris In Training Day. After the child Creasy is bodyguarding disappears, he tears through the Mexican mob in search of her. At one point, he even places a bomb in some poor dude's ass. Yep, it was a bad time for villainy when John Creasy was around.

Doc Holiday - Tombstone

Val Kilmer, like him or not, has played some awesome characters in his career. However, he will never top his portrayal of Doc Holiday in Tombstone. Dude got up from his deathbed, just to participate in the final gun brawl. I think that alone solidifies his place on this list.

Gunnery Sgt. Hartman - Full Metal Jacket

R. Lee. Ermy is a legit badass who has played many variations of that in his acting career. His most famous role was that of Gunnery Sgt. Hartman In Full Metal Jacket. He verbally destroyed the new recruits while simultaneously making himself a character we'd never forget.

Big Daddy - Kick-Ass

In a world w/o superheroes, one man took it upon himself to not only teach his daughter how to become a lethal killing machine, he also dressed up in costume with her and wrecked shop. I can forgive the fact that this was Nicholas Cage in a costume. Big Daddy was a legit character.

Juno - The Descent II

Juno led her crew on a spelunking expedition into a cave system that was previously undiscovered. When shit got real however, so did she. Little to no hesitation or remorse as she pick-axed, clawed, and fought they cave mutants.

Bill The Butcher - Gangs of New York

Daniel Day-Lewis is so selective with his roles that nearly every character he plays is badass in one way or another. While some may go with his oil baron in There Will Be Blood, I'm choosing, Bill the Butcher.

Colonel Miles Quaritch aka Colonel Gunz

When he's not benching 250lbs in a tiny wife beater, Colonel Gunz breathes badassery. Not only was he shot with two giant arrows, he pilots a mechanical suit while on fire, and pursues those eco pussies in a known toxic environment without even thinking of oxygen until his clip was empty. All. Man.

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Dylan Dog: Dead of Night - 2011

The adventures of supernatural private eye, Dylan Dog, who seeks out the monsters of the Louisiana bayou in his signature red shirt, black jacket, and blue jeans.

Monsters exist. The only thing keeping the peace between them and keeping them secret is Dylan Dog, Paranormal Investigator.

Superman...?

After years of keeping the peace and protecting the supernatural beings, Dylan's gf was killed by the monsters. He understandably turns his back on them, but not before killing a few in revenge. After years of staying away from them, Dylan as a private investigator, takes a case and the progression leads him to believe that one of the ruling monster families seeks to revive an ancient monster.

Having never read the Dylan Dog comics, I can't say whether this was successful as a transition from comic to film. According to Italian movie nerds, this movie murdered the franchise, so in theory, Taye's death was an unnecessary sacrifice and he adds yet another failure to his filmography. Assuming that's true, how appropriate is it that this franchise killing machine appear as the final monster that needs to be killed.

I guess they couldn't find Ted McGinley.

Despite how it may sound, Dylan Dog is an okay movie. Strong performances from Routh and Sam Huntington, (as hero and sidekick/comic relief, respectively,) carry the film. But it just feels...off. Like something is missing. I can't explain it, but if you watch you'd understand.

Out of Ten? 7. A decent low budget  thriller that has it's moments.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? One or two.
Nudity? No

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