Avengers (2012)

Nick Fury of S.H.I.E.L.D. brings together a team of super humans to form The Avengers to help save the Earth from Loki and his army.

Although I felt the film was not worth its hype, Avengers is still a good, solid movie that manages to be both entertaining and coherent. Once again, the Comedic moments help to bring levity to the film and it also tied into the other pictures without being to vague or confusing. The stars of the flick were easily Nick Fury, Iron Man and Captain America, but everyone got relatively equal screen time and hero moments. I wasn't expecting banner to be likable (considering his past history in film) and that was such a breath of fresh air. Scarlet Johansson tried her biggest to ruin it, but it survived.

Scarlett Johansson cannot act. She's terrible. If she wasn't hot, (ie: if she wasn't a redhead with big boobs) she'd still be bussing tables, waiting for her big break.

Now Let's talk Banner/Hulk for second. Everyone that has seen this film raves about the Hulk. He's big, he's green, he's angry, he smashes shit. It should have never taken three films to get it right, but this Hulk with the addition of an actual likable banner, was definitely an improvement. What I didn't like was the lazy and plot convenient writing. At one point, Banner Hulks out and wrecks anything that moves. The second time, when the team could use some smashing, Banner shows up and appears to be in full control. Not only that, but Hulk is actually a team player? I didn't get that.



It seems Marvel has a successful blueprint for their films. (Big Budget action, likable characters, comedy) and The Avengers is no different. It was action packed and even the slow parts moved pretty quick.

Out of Ten? 7.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Captain America: The First Avenger (2012)

***All this week, I'll be reviewing Marvel's Avenger related films. 

Today's feature: Captain America: The First Avenger***

In Marvel's superhero slugfest, Steve Rogers volunteers for a secret experiment during WWII after being deemed unfit for duty. Transformed into super soldier Captain America, he takes on his Nazi-created counterpart, Red Skull, and the evil Hydra.

100lb weakling, Steve Rogers has tried repeatedly to join the army and fight in WWII. Due to his small frame and asthma, he is repeatedly denied. One day, he is given an opportunity unlike any other. An experimental serum, created by the Allies, designed to turn a man into the perfect human specimen.

The serum amplifies the values of the person. The good become great and the bad become worse. Johann Schmidt took a dose if the super serum before it was ready and it reinforced his desire to rule the world. To that end, he puts his plans in motion as The Red Skull, creating a multi national science and weapons program, openly defying Hitler, and just being a Villain in general. Captain America, although new to the game, has always been gung-ho about fighting bullies. Seeing Red Skull as one, he charges head first into his fortresses to both free American soldiers and to take the fight directly to him.

Captain America was not a terrible movie. In fact it was way better than I thought It'd be. They even took the time to throw in an action montage!!!

Chris Evans (aka Jake Wyler) got huge for this role and the humor in the right moments brought levity to the film. Dominic Cooper as Howard Stark was awesome, even the characters with smaller roles played them well. What I didn't like however, was, Hugo "Agent Smith" Weaving not getting enough credit for his portrayal of the Red Skull in this flick. Not given too much to do, he manages to make the skull both a believable and well rounded villain.

Lately, Marvel's movies have proven to be decent, if not over-hyped. Captain America was much better than I thought it'd be. But one burning question remains:

How or why exactly is his shield a boomerrang?

Out of Ten? 7

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Planet Hulk (2010)

***All this week, I'll be reviewing Marvel's Avenger related films. 

Today's feature: Planet Hulk***

The Incredible Hulk, ejected from Earth in a spaceship, crash-lands on a planet ruled by a tyrant, who forces him to fight in a coliseum against other powerful creatures. The Hulk reluctantly befriends the combatants on his team.

All we need to know about the hulk is explained by Ironman in the first five minutes: The madder he gets, the stronger he gets and they've shipped him off of Earth because not even he can contain his rage. After being jettisoned, Hulk awakens and smashes. Eventually ruining the set trajectory and taking him off course. Instead of bring marooned on a lifeless planet, he ends up on Skaar, a planet under the rule of the ruthless Red King. After that, the film becomes a thinly veiled Gladiator/Spartacus clone, as he is sold into slavery, forced into the arena, and becomes the hero of prophecy.

Fun Fact: The actual comic didn't interest me but after watching the movie, I'm thinking about reading it now. But movies are so much better than books and as a bonus, I finally got what I wanted in a Hulk film: No Bruce Banner, and lots of smashing. Plus, somewhere in the movie, Thor manages to make a cameo and he is shown fucking shit up as well.

Bravo.

Out of Ten? 8

Planet Hulk has all of the brutality expected from a Hulk film with none of the boring exposition. Since no one is human, it's A-Okay to destroy them and since he's fighting for his life, the brutality is justified.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No.

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Hulk Vs. (2009)

***All this week, I'll be reviewing Marvel's Avenger related films. 

Today's feature: Hulk Vs. ***

Hulk Vs. is a double feature animated movie telling the tales of Hulk vs. Thor followed by Hulk vs. Wolverine.

Hulk vs. Thor
Every winter, Odin sleeps for a week. During his slumber, the forces if evil try to take Asgard under their control. Loki has brought Bruce Banner to Asgard to use the Hulk as his pawn in his quest for power. Within two minutes, Loki not only has the Hulk, he's separated banner from the beast and is in full control. Only Thor can hope to stop him, but a fully pissed off Hulk is a thing of beauty and After easily dispatching Thor, Hulk heads toward the city, the bright lights leading him to where Odin sleeps. Thor, who manages to live, (because no one ever dies in the comics) regains his health and gets ready for round two as he aims to reunite Banner and the Monster.

Final thought: Hulk vs. Thor is actually pretty good. The Shakespearean stuff is a bit draining, but what's Old English for Smash? Because that's all I heard.

Hulk vs. Wolverine
They play out this confrontation with the idea that Wolverine has no idea who or what the Hulk is. He's been given a simple task, find the Hulk and bring him in and kill him if he has to. After tracking him in the wilderness, he finds Banner shaking and crying. He manages to piss him off and we all know what comes next. During the fight, After a group of supervillains make their appearance and we get a Weapon X flashback, explaining the backstory of Wolverine and his connection to them. The Weapon X program seeks to use The Hulk as a weapon in their quest for whatever the hell it is that they want.

Final thought: There's a lot of blood in this film and rightfully so. Wolverine is a character every bit as brutal as the Hulk. How could they fight without bloodshed? The Thor film was definitely a better story, but who doesn't want to see Hulk vs Wolverine? Terrorists. That's who.

Overall, Hulk Vs. is an enjoyable double feature. I know they can get away with more in these animated films, but I admit, I was really digging the Hulk's brutality, and I wish they could find someway to do this on the big screen.

Out of Ten? 8

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Thor: Tales of Asgard (2011)

***All this week, I'll be reviewing Marvel's Avenger related films. 
Today's feature: Thor: Tales of Asgard***

The young Norse God Thor embarks on a quest with his brother Loki to find and recover a legendary sword.

The story is essentially this:
Seeking to prove himself as a man/warrior, Thor journeys to the land of the Frost Giants, seeking the sword of Serta, a magical sword once wielded by a powerful entity and it now lays in the lands of the deadly Frost Giants. The truce between The Frost Giants and Asgard had been tenuous at best, but after accidentally slaying two sentries, his actions threaten to ignite a war between the two realms. When a third party takes possession of the sword, both Odin and all of Asgard are threatened with destruction.

This film has almost all one could want in a story taking place in Asgard. Mead, bar fights, women, old english, Thor and we even get to see Odin take action in this flick.

My only real gripe:

Teenage Thor. Bleh.

Out of Ten? 6

Violence? Mild
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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The Black Panther [TV Series] (2009)

***All this week, I'll be reviewing Marvel's Avenger related films. 

Today's feature: The Black Panther (The Animated Series)***

The Black Panther is 12 episode motion comic introducing (or even re-acquainting for the comic savvy) The Black Panther and the sovereign county of Wakanda to the world. 

The Black Panther is the the title given to the leader of Wakanda. Every year, there is a contest where anyone can challenge the King, for the right to the panther crown. T'Challa our reigning King, took the throne after defeating the his uncle at the last battle.

The United States Govt having grown increasingly concerned about the sovereign country (whose military, tech and wealth are vastly superior), have resigned themselves (along with a few other countries) to send in "special forces" to try to kill/assist the Panther and gain a foothold in Wakanda. Their intel has discovered that the Black Panther is no one to be trifled with. He's defeated Captain America, the Fantastic Four, and countless other people who have appeared on his land. The nation of Wakanda itself is equally strong, having never been conquered, holding advanced technology and cures to nearly all diseases and never having or needing to tap it's vast oil reserves to create wealth. In Wakanda's eyes, everyone is after wakanda to profit from the resources that they willingly share with their people. This is why they remain isolated and shun everyone outside their borders. They feel the world is too selfish for their own good.

Proving their point, the US decides to finance an invasion of Wakanda. Putting it in the hands of "The Claw," a top mercenary and assassin who was ultimately responsible for the death of a previous Panther, T'chaka, T'challa's father. As the villains breach the border and start to invade Wakanda, it's up to T'challa to show his might as the Panther and save his country while also avenging his father's death.

Captain America makes a cameo and proceeds to get his ass handed to him. To be fair, they turned him into a bloodthirsty agent as opposed to the diplomatic guy he is today. But an ass whipping could also do that to you as well. The Juggernaut is recruited by the villains, but he's there solely to fuck with the wildlife and utter the world famous line.

He's the Juggernaut, Bitch!

The series, although filled with exposition, gets better as it goes along. I'm surprised they threw in so many cameos from other Marvel characters, but it shows the importance, relevance and influence of both the Panther and Wakanda. There are a few "eye-roll" moments, but it doesn't stray too far off the beaten path.

  Out of Ten? 8

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Goon (2011)

Labeled an outcast by his brainy family, a bouncer overcomes long odds to lead a team of under performing misfits to semi-pro hockey glory, beating the crap out of everything that stands in his way.

Steve Stifler stars as Doug Clatt, a man looking for his "thing" in life. After beating up an away player who came through the crowd, he is offered a spot on the home team. When he proves to be a big fish in a small pond, he is assigned to the AA league, which is essentially a step away from the pros. There, he is specifically tasked with protecting and possibly re-igniting a fallen players career.
As the fans revel in his fighting abilities, it becomes increasingly apparent that he'll have to fight the league's premier enforcer, Ross Rhea to prove his worth. After a heat like confrontation with Rhea at a local diner, the stage is officially set for their showdown.

Goon is actually pretty funny and very well put together. The sports scenes are handled without glaring issues, the comedy hits, and the writing is done so well that when Doug and Ross officially square off, their characters and fights have been built up enough to where you actually care to see who wins.


Fun fact: Stifler plays a surprisingly sensitive character. It's weird to see this type of role but it works. In a weird twist to their history, Eugene "I'll do just about anything for money. Anything" Levy plays his disapproving father.

Out of Ten? 7.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of violence.
Nudity? No

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Detective Dee and The Mystery of the Phantom Flame (2010)

When unexplained spontaneous combustions kill a pair of dignitaries in 7th-century China, the nation's first female emperor, Wu Zetian calls upon the trusted Detective Dee to solve the mystery in this stylish action epic.

As the Empress has commanded, a sixty story high Buddah statue is to be erected for her coronation ceremony. Near the end of construction, people are literally bursting into flames. As the workers claim divine intervention, Empress Wu, gives an order to release the only one who can solve the case, Detective Dee, a man she imprisoned 8 years for opposing her reign.

I don't know what to make of this film. It was definitely different. I love a good mystery film, but it felt like it was dragging as the mystery was uncovered. I can't even say that I felt that attached to the characters. I started to watch it solely for the resolution.

The fight scenes were well done though.

Out of Ten? 6

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Alien Opponent (2010)

The owner of a small-town junkyard offers a cash reward to whomever can kill her uninvited, space-suited alien guest when its spacecraft crash-lands into her barn. Every wacko within 100 miles turns out, and before long, the junkyard is transformed into a war zone of man vs. man vs. machine vs. alien vs. God only knows what.

After her husband is killed, A young wife and her mother hatch a plan to cash in on his insurance. Unfortunately for them an An alien ship crash lands in their junkyard. Knowing they need his body to file an insurance claim, they blame the Alien and offer a reward of $100k to whoever can kill the alien and retrieve it. As you can imagine, nearly every screwball shows including a karate instructor and his pupils and they are all dispatched efficiently. At one point the Alien even constructs a robotic land shark and a killbot that claim a few victims each.

The Killbot 4000...vs....Rowdy Roddy Pastor

Alien Opponent is a bad movie, but it isn't terrible. It doesn't take itself too seriously as it's a blatant screwball action flick with a simple plot: Aliens vs people. Just to prove my point, how serious can you take a movie that casts Rowdy Roddy Piper as a priest? Even he had to laugh at that one.

Out of Ten? 6

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Bart Got a Room (2008)

While Danny's father and mother independently search for love, Danny is on his own desperate quest to find a prom date. Danny's search becomes progressively more pathetic once he and his family learn that Bart, the school's biggest dweeb, not only secured a date for the prom, but got a hotel room as well.

A Young Jewish guy is looking for a date to prom. When he hears that Bart has a date, he kicks his search into high gear. With his friends and family hyping it up, The end all be all is getting a room at the hotel and that picture at prom. While he's waiting to ask out his dream girl, he is asked by his bff. (The Foxy Alia Shawkat.) He Invites all types of awkward and of course seals his fate when he turns her down in favor of the younger blonder chick who of course rejects him. Realizing he's screwed, he tries to make amends but when he goes back to his bff, he finds her committed to another. Now he needs a date and as the days tick towards prom, his window is closing.

The barometer is that "Bart got a Room." Once that line is dropped, characters spring into action. Apparently Bart is that lame. And yes, they do confirm that fact when Bart finally makes an appearance only to say that his room has been upgraded to a suite. Now alone At Prom and contemplating life while drinking with his separated parents, he has an epiphany and finds The Foxy Alia Shawkat sitting alone. Making amends, he saves his prom night and celebrates with his loved ones and creates the memories he so richly desired.

Bart got a room is your standard, typical awkward teen comedy. A loser guy Covets girl A and completely ignores the interested girl B, until its nearly too late. Then they reconcile at the end. Eh. It Has its moments, but nothing that really sells it outside of "Here's a quirky independent comedy. That may appeal more to the Jewish families."

 Out of Ten? 6

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Griff the Invisible (2010)

Griff, office worker by day, superhero by night, has his world turned upside down when he meets Melody, a beautiful young scientist who shares his passion for the impossible.

Griff the invisible is a Superhero film about an office drone, who is a worker bee by day, and a vigilante crime fighter by night. He even has an Adam West era Batman setup in his apartment including an escape ladder that acts as a Batpole and he takes calls on a special red phone from the commissioner of the police department. His life however, is turned upside down as a girl and potential lover discovers his secret. He discovers that she's almost as weird as he is, but can he live in both worlds?

After a while, I was just watching until it ended. But then there was a twist. It didn't make the movie better. It didn't make it worse. It did however change the complexity. They feed you enough to make you think it's one thing, but by the end you'll see that Griff isn't at all what you expected.

Out of Ten? 5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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The Speed of Thought (2004)

Joshua Lazarus has a special gift -- but will this gift destroy him before he can escape to freedom with his newly found soul mate?

A government agent with psychic abilities is sent to determine the identity of an unknown psychic who may jeopardize their mission.He eventually finds her and discovers her to be both beautiful and compatible. His world is turned upside down when he finds out that not only can she lie mentally, she is 31. None of the others have lived past 29 or have such powerful abilities.
On a mission to rescue her after she is captured, he uncovers something that can change the world.

The Speed of Thought is as clunky as its title. It is a good thing that it's short. I don't even know why I watched it. The girl was hot though.

Out of Ten? 4

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Brief

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Nude Nuns with Big Guns (2012)

After sweet Sister Sarah is victimized by the brutal and corrupt clergy members in her church and nearly dies, God tells her to take revenge. Now she's packing heat and blowing away the bad guys. 

Some members of the clergy are in bed with a local gang. They cook up and Sell drugs to and for Los Muertos and their ruthless leader Chavo. After a drug deal gone bad, Chavo kidnaps a nun known as Sister Sarah, as penance and turns her into a doped up prostitute. After recovering and escaping Chavo's place, she claims that God has asked her to kill all sinners. One year later, she sets out on her mission.

Sister Sarah

A bit longer than it needed to be, Nude Nuns includes all of the Grindhouse staples (Blood, guns, drugs, tits etc.), but if it wasn't for the abysmally slow pacing, I would have given it a higher score.

Out of Ten? 5.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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The Final Cut (2004)

Set in a world with memory implants, Robin Williams plays a cutter, someone with the power of final edit over people's recorded histories. His latest assignment is one that puts him in danger

After a childhood accident, in which a friend dies, Alan, moves away and becomes a memorial video editor as an older man. Editing a video for a recently deceased male, he spots a man who suspiciously resembles Louis. Alan decides to track him down and he uses the memory technology to discovery the final pieces of the puzzle regarding louis' mystery and set his mind at ease. Jim Jesus Caviezel co-stars as a man who is against the memory service and wants the technology and footage to be destroyed.

I like creepy Robin Williams. He is awesome as a creepy dude. It's like he's being himself in these roles. Even with that being said, The Final Cut is incredibly slow paced. It's funny, because the music picks up at times and leads you to believe that something is going to happen, yet nothing ever does.

Out of Ten? 5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? no
Nudity? No

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Clash of the Titans 3D (2011)

Born of a god but raised as a man, Perseus volunteers to lead a daring band of warriors to defeat Hades before he can seize powerfrom Zeus and unleash hell on earth.

Long before man, there was a war between the immortal beings who walked the Earth. After defeating the Titans, Zeus takes his place as the King of Heaven, Poseidon becomes ruler of the oceans and Hades is tricked into becoming the ruler of the underworld. Zeus then created man and their prayers feed their immortality. Lately though, the mortals have been openly rebelling. They feel that the time of the gods has passed and they are willing to wage war to claim power. Feeling forsaken by the very humans he's created, Zeus dispatches Hades to remind the mortals of their role. As Hades attacks a royal court for their disobedience, he reveals the Zeus' plan (obey or die) and lets it be known that Perseus is the son of Zeus.

Now aware of his past, he is told his history that he was basically born to kill the kraken. His intention is to kill Hades, but he has until the next solar eclipse to save the town from the Kraken who will only stop after the princess is sacrificed.

Zeus! We hardly recognized you without that shiny suit.

Clash 3D is an overall decent film. It really tries to flesh out the story, but I found the ending to be rather anti-climactic. There was a lot of build, but no actual delivery. Also, There is no real advantage to watching this in 3D as opposed to the regular D.


In the battle of Greek Mythology films, I would recommend Immortals before this one.

 Fun Fact: The dude that plays Apollo in this film, is Zeus in Immortals. He also killed Apollo in that film. So by the transitive property of Greek Mythology, he's killed himself.

Out of Ten? 6.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Kevin Hart: Laugh At My Pain (2012)

Experience LAUGH AT MY PAIN, the show that quickly became a national phenomenon. Catch the original, never-before-seen Raw and Uncut backstage footage, and travel back to Philly with Kevin Hart where he began his journey to become one of the funniest and most successful comedians of all time.

The final stop in the laugh comedy tour is LA. But before we get there, we take a trip to Philadelphia where Kevin Hart visits his family, friends and old stomping grounds. Although it seems like everyone always has the same things to say about him, Kevin Hart is nothing if not humble. he legitimately works hard and cares about his fans.

The comedy aspect is hilarious. I don't want to say too much mainly because I'd be giving away the movie and more importantly, his jokes are funnier when he says them. I can say that he candidly discusses his drug addict father, his athlete friends, and even his love making skills.

If you're a fan, you'll really enjoy this flick + there's a bonus scene at the end which just adds to the work he's put in.

Out of Ten? 8

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Stolen (2009)

A detective deals with the loss of his own son while trying to uncover the identity of a boy whose mummified remains are found in a box buried for fifty years.

A small town sheriff leaves his son at a diner and he vanishes. 8 years later, mummified remains show up at a construction site. The medical examiner determines that the body is not his son but the body of a boy buried at least 50 years ago. Sensing a connection to the disappearance of his son, he decides to investigate. As this particular case his too close to home, it threatens to tear apart what's left of his family and friendships. He is intent however, on both solving it and getting closure. While his investigation continues, the narrative switches between the present day and the town 50years ago as the story of the mummified boy is told.

Stolen was a bit slower than I'd have liked. I expected a mystery, but more of an action mystery, instead of the slow burn drama that I got. This doesn't take anything away from the film as it is still a solid flick. I just thought I was getting different.

Out of Ten? 6.5

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Adventureland (2008)

Unable to afford the European vacation he'd dreamed of, recent college grad James Brennan (Jesse Eisenberg) reluctantly takes a gig at a local amusement park, only to learn that the dead-end job is, in fact, excellent preparation for the real world.

This movie didn't interest me at all. It was about as bland and emotionless as Kristen Stewart.
The soundtrack made this film though. Also van wilder. He helped.
Sigh. Why do the boring movies just feel longer?

Out of Ten? 5

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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War of the Arrows (2012)

Set during the second Manchu invasion of Korea, Nam Yi, the best archer in Korea, goes up against the Qing Dynasty to save his younger sister Ja In - who was dragged away by Manchurians. 

After watching their father killed in a nighttime raid, two children escape to the countryside to live with his trusted friend. 13 years pass and the brother, Nam-Yi is set in his ways, resigned to the fact that he'll never be regarded as more than the child of a traitor. His sister, Ja-In however is very headstrong and proud. On the day of her wedding, the castle is attacked and ransacked by the Evil Manchu army, with both the bride and groom being taken among many others. Just how ruthless were the Manchurians? They ripped a baby from a woman's arms and casually tossed it down a well.

Mmm...Evil

After a short battle, Nam-Yi returns to the castle, only to find it in shambles. As he chases the Manchurians, seeking to free his sister, he draws the attention of their top general who will stop at nothing to see him dead.

Slow and confusing in the beginning, War of the Arrows picks up as the stakes get higher. I'm not a fan of archers, but this film gave them the bad ass treatment and I was definitely impressed.

Out of Ten? 7

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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The Family Tree (2011)

A mother and wife stricken with memory loss allows a dysfunctional family a second chance at harmony and happiness.

A suburban housewife and mother has an accident and becomes an amnesiac who can only remember events up to the day she was married. At first hesitant, the family eventually becomes used to her new demeanor but her amnesia causes her to conveniently forget the affair she was having with the neighbor. In the end, the truth comes out and lives are changed.

The Family Tree, definitely not for everyone. It's a dark comedy, about a dysfunctional family that slows down in the middle, but redeems itself in (somewhat) the end.
I was on the fence about watching this movie, but after the scene in which a peeping tom is hung from his own binoculars, I was sold.

Stray Quotage: 

-I hate school. Almost as much as I hate that old bitch.
      Don't talk about your mother that way.
-I was talking about grandma.

- Is he black? He look black. He smell black. This motherfucker even tastes black.
        Does he taste delicious, cuz?
-Don't ask me no shit like that, dog!

Out of Ten? 5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Speak on It!!! - Rapper/Actors

While some would make the case that rappers are not actors, I would be willing to take the opposite stance. Rappers are in fact actors. They act gangster or hood, intelligent or dumb, and rich and or poor. The question is, can they translate that to the big screen and more often than not, the answer is a resounding "No." Now true, there have been a few who have crossed over but there have been a lot more who have not.

What is the difference between the guys on top:


And the guys below?



The difference is marketability and acting talent. The exceptions to this rule are 50 Cent, Master P and Jay-Z. Master P and Jay-Z are fucking moguls. So no one besides them, expects them to be actors; They are just so bad though. 50 Cent is marketable, but he cannot act.

Everyone else here just can't act. Period.

Also, he may try to block it out, but I'll make damn sure you don't ever forget about Marky Mark!

Stay Funky.

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