Deep In The Valley (2009)

2 guys get sucked into a porno booth and they become trapped in a bizarre porn world. While there, DJ, the porn guru, tells them that they're on a spiritual quest and they have a journey to complete before they can return home.

This movie hits all of the porn cliches. Cat fights that lead to sex, sexy policemen, wet t-shirts, topless car washes, sororities, the works and yet amongst the unabashed debauchery of this world, one of the guys actually manages to fall in love.

There are two (pairs of) things that stand out about this film:
Scott Caan hamming it up as Rod Cannon, the "sexy detective who always gets his man."
Chris Pratt IS Andy Dwyer in this film.

Denise Richards, Kim Kardashian and Tracy Morgan guest star and it took me to the end of the film to realize that DJ, the porn guru, is played by Shooter McGavin!

Out of Ten? 6.5

Shooter mcgavin, tracy morgan, andy dwyer and copious amounts of nudity and shower scenes. I say this is a fair grade.

Violence? No
Explosions? Heh. No.
Nudity? Tons.

Read More

The Fall of the Action Hero

I lament the fall of our Big Damn Heroes. Van Damme fell into drugs and only wants to do "serious films" (like Universal Soldier 5), Steven Segal is a lawman, Wesely Snipes decided he was too good to pay his taxes, and Arnold is Governing. What is going on? Obviously, I knew the times would change, but how long before we return to the "kick ass, take names" action flick?

Of the original action stars, Sly Stallone is the only one still kicking (barely). Lucky for us, it seems he's trying to pass the torch, but who will take it? If you've seen Black Dynamite and Blood and Bone, you'd know that Michael Jai White is certainly a capable candidate. Terry Crews has the build, but he can't carry a movie solo. Dwayne "Don't Call Me The Rock" Johnson was too busy carving his name in the "family friendly" market, but he's finally stepping his game up (Faster/Fast 5). Jet Li is both too short & too Asian, & Jason Statham is too likely to remove his shirt and the world just can't handle Danny Trejo (Machete). The current solution is to just pair them up in an ensemble movie. The Expendables Series = Equal screentime, equal badassness. (Even Chuck Norris is signed onto that)

So my question is who will step up and be the next "Big Damn Hero(es)?" Do we need one? Are ensemble action movies our only choice now? Hopefully those answers will come soon. There's nothing left to do in the meanwhile but wait. Somedays, however, I'll catch Commando, or Kick-Boxer, or even Passenger 57 and wonder aloud, "What happened?"



The Expendables (2010):

The Expendables 2 (2012):

Read More

True Legend (2012)

Su Qi-Er retired from his life as a renowned Qing dynasty general in order to pursue his dream of a family and his own martial arts school. However, Su's peaceful life is shattered when his vengeful adopted brother, Yuan Lie, kidnaps his son and leaves Su for dead. Saved from his demise by his wife Ying and the reclusive doctor Yu, Su resolves to perfect his technique so that he may defeat Yuan Lie and reunite his family.Now burning to become a martial arts master, Su Qi-er submits to a teacher who helps him become more powerful than ever before.  

True Legend is essentially a biopic about  Su Can, a former chinese general, turned drunken beggar and his ascent to Legendary Martial Arts status.

The film starts with an awesome ninja style raid on the enemies headquarters. Su Leads a team into enemy territory to rescue his captured prince. For this, he is offered the position of Governor, which he declines because he's retiring to be with his family. He nominated his brother Yuan for the job and the story really begins there. 5 years later, Governor Yuan pays a visit to  Su and his family. Su's father says he doesn't trust him and relays the bloody history between himself and Yuan's father.Believing him to be out of control, with a deadly technique, the Five Venom Fist, Su's father killed.YUAN's father and raised them as brothers. Yuan had always resented this, and he fears that now that he's governor, nothing good can result.

Yuan arrives while Su is away, announces that he has mastered the Five Venom Fist and after a short battle he prices the old man right by killing him and taking his head. Su arrives too late top stop him, but during their fight he finds out that Yuan is hardcore. After landing some pretty good cuts with a sword, he realizes that he's causing no damage. Just then Yuan laughs and reveals that he has metal fucking armor sewn 1inch deep into his flesh.

 Hard.Fucking.Core.

Not long after this reveal, Yuan wings the fight (duh), infects him with the venom technique and throws him into a waterfall to die. Our hero goes through the "I've been throughly defeated and now I'm completely useless" phase and even becomes an alcoholic until his hair grows in and he defeats his own self pity. Believing him to be unable, she decides to rescue their son herself. Reading the note she left about his instability to save his family, Su, races off to the castle and fucks shit up on the way to defeat Yuan. Before the final battle however, Yuan says he won't kill his wife, but he has her buried alive in the forest. After a final fight that saw them fight into and out of a snake pit, Su kills Yuan and the race is then on to find his wife. Unfortunately he finds her too late. Now a drunken heartbroken beggar, we move onto phase two of our film: The Drunken Fist.

After wandering into a bar and fighting a drunken fist master, he runs into Ma, an old friend from his war days. Ma tells him that Foreign warriors are challenging Chinese to fights and are killing them and he decides to support his friend in his fight with the foreigners. During the fight, his son gets involved and he uses the drunken fist to save him and take on the foreigners who are apparently aided, controlled and released by "White Tupac" David Carradine, who I'm sure I've seen in more films post mortem than when he was alive.

 White Tupac

In the epilogue we learn that he wandered the country and used the fist. the style would then be copied and spread throughout the land. Making him a true Wushu master.


True Legend is a solid flick. Good action. Easy to follow story. Yet, still a bit longer than I'd have liked. But there is Michelle Yeoh...

Out of ten? 7

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

Read More

Taken (2009)

A retired CIA agent travels across Europe and relies on his old skills to save his estranged daughter, who was kidnapped on a trip to Paris to be sold into prostitution.

What more could be said about this film that can't already by this fucking scene:

Everyone and their mother has seen this film by now. I just needed to add it to the site.
(On Father's Day. Coincidentally.)

Thank You.

Out of Ten? 9

(Minus 1-point for the behavior of both the Mother and the Daughter. Yes, it's petty, but it can't be overlooked.)

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of Violence
Nudity? No

Read More

Quick Hits #12

	Bad Boys (1995) - The original was a great flick. It was good to see Martin Lawrence and Will Smith team up. The action was good and the comedy in between those scenes kept us alert. If you notice, you'll see that Martin Lawrence received top billing...interesting. Out of Ten? 9
	Dragon Tiger Gate (2006) - Two brothers, who are separated when their parents split, find themselves on opposite sides of the law as adults. After a gang murder, they team up and reclaim their birthright. Dragon Tiger Gate is based on a comic book so the more absurd elements of the film are believable. The Fight scenes are okay but when they aren't fighting, the film offers nothing. There's so much drama between the fight scenes that it's waaaay to easy to lose interest. Out of Ten? 5
	Mandrill (2009) - After his parents are brutally killed in front of him, little Mandrill goes to live with his uncle who raises him like a son. When he asks about his father he is told that his father was like chilean action hero John Colt. From that day, little Mandrill grows up and lives his life in that manner. He eventually becomes a one named chilean badass assassin/secret agent on the hunt for revenge. There's no real way to explain the film. I went into this flick expecting nothing. But this movie was surprisingly good. I found it to be something like an exploitation Chilean Bond flick that is self aware of its cheese factor. The soundtrack is good as well. Out of Ten? 7.5
	Knocked Up (2007) - You know, I hadn't actually seen this flick from beginning to end. I decided to watch it the other day. Forgot how funny it is. Well rounded funny cast + Katherine Heigl as the hot chick and out of character celebrity cameos. Very enjoyable but time has shown that the magic of this flick would not be repeated. Out of Ten? 8
	Superbad (2007) - The movie that brought us McLovin, and we're all richer for it. Superbad was hilarious and It seems the cast and crew genuinely had a good time and enjoyed making this flick. That always makes a movie better. I don't think there's anyone who hasn't yet seen it, but if you haven't, go watch it now. Out of Ten? 10

Read More

#1 Cheerleader Camp (2010)

When they're hired to work at a cheerleading camp for the summer, two lusty college friends prepare for the most spirited three months of their lives. But the squad won't be ready for serious competition without some remedial training in sex appeal.

A former gymnastics washout becomes a maintenance man at a cheerleader camp. After circumstances nearly force his dream girl to quit the camp, he sets out to save her team and her scholarship. By hiring strippers.

An obvious raunchy comedy that doesn't take itself too seriously. Although the film opens with topless girls on trampolines and TnA is prominently featured, it is a cheerleading film and there are a lot of scenes where the ladies work on their routines. At the end, there's a Bring It On type cheerleading competition, so we all win.

Anyway, Pictures!

Out of Ten? 6

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? Gimme a YES!!

Read More