Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters (2013)

In this spin on the fairy tale, Hansel & Gretel are now bounty hunters who track and kill witches all over the world. As the fabled Blood Moon approaches, the siblings encounter a new form of evil that might hold a secret to their past. 

The concept is absolutely ridiculous, but in the context of this film, it works. Hansel and Gretel were almost eaten by a witch, but they killed her and since then have dedicated their lives to the hunting and killing of witches. What more do you need to know?

Over the top violence makes up for the general crappy concept of this film. In one scene a man is drawn and quartered by tree branches and in another, a whole team of men are utterly destroyed by a troll (solely for the sake of foreshadowing).

 This dude Hulk smashed one scene. Stepped on a dudes head. Pounded another. Crazy.

What stands out to me is that somehow all of the witches know how to fight. So I'm guessing that when they aren't eating children, they are working on their fighting skills? I mean they were really giving it to our heroes at one point.

 Jeremy Renner is in everything these days. He's like a more... profitable Jason Statham.

The goal of the film is to entertain. It easily achieves this. You may have to lower your expectations a bit, but in reality, you're watching a movie about Hansel and Gretel who have grown up to hunt and kill witches. How good can you expect it to be?

Out of Ten? 7

Violence? Yes. Troll violence.
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Booty butt cheeks!

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Django Unchained (2013)

With the help of a German bounty hunter, a freed slave sets out to rescue his wife from a brutal Mississippi plantation owner.

Jamie Foxx plays a slave who is guaranteed his freedom upon completing one task, identifying the men who were his former overseers and helped to ruin his life. Under the tutelage of Christoph Waltz, he takes a shine to the bounty hunting business essentially because he gets paid to shoot white folk. He seeks to reunite with this wife who was branded, ripped away from him and sold into further slavery after a failed attempt to escape.

Somehow I found this to be the least Tarantino-y of his films, but it still worked. What can I say? The man makes good films. There were a few scenes that were played for laughs, including the "Masks On or Off" mob scene, but Jaimie Foxx took me out of it in a few of the other scenes. Luckily Christoph Waltz and Leonardo DiCaprio were there to reign me back in. Even Sam Jackson managed to bring levity to the film as the loyal "Uncle Tom" house negro every slave owner was required to have. I was really not digging the Tarantino cameo. Why was he Australian? Seriously? I'd rather him just get in there and "nigger it up" than listen to him speak in that accent. Were Australians even in the states during the Civil War Era? Why? Also the movie was a bit longer than I'd've liked. Did he seriously think he would win an Oscar for Django?

Anyway Django Unchained is definitely definitely definitely a solid film. Much better than I had originally given it credit for, but not something that I'd give a ten to.

Out of Ten? 8

Violence? Tarantino
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Peek-a-boo titty. Seriously. Blink and you'll miss it.

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Mega Piranha (2010)

 

Former pop princess Tiffany co-stars in this nerve-wracking thriller about gigantic, mutant piranhas who are irradiated in the Amazon River by well-meaning scientists in a misguided attempt to revive the local piranha population. After the fish destroy a tourist boat and the militia bent on stopping them, they escape from their enclosure and begin swimming to Florida. Along the way, they grow even larger and more threatening. Can they be stopped?

A team of scientists in Venezuela are working on increasing the food supply via DNA manipulation. For plot purposes, they have decided to include piranhas as well and "inadvertently" created a very large and very nasty group of piranha who will only continue to grow larger as time goes on.
An American agent is dispatched to find out what happened to a diplomat after his boat is destroyed. After being held up by the Venezuelan military, he heads out to scout the river himself. It isn't long before he runs into the piranhas himself, but through a stroke of luck, he survives. Now that the threat has been revealed, the race is on to stop them from getting to the Mississippi River, which would allow them to reach lakes and rivers waters worldwide.

After an initial strike fails, the military captures the scientists and shuts down their lab. As the scientists are the only ones who can stop the fish, it is imperative that they are rescued. Meanwhile, The piranhas have only grown larger and are literally destroying the town, while heading towards the river.
 
Mega Piranha is a cheesey B-Movie. The piranhas are fast and furious right out the gate, taking down a couple and a boat full of diplomats in less than 5 minutes and as a whole, this movie is straight action. Until the last chapter. With about 20 minutes to go, this film limped toward its conclusion. The worst part of this film? There's no titty. No. Titty. How can there be no titty? That's like THE Cardinal Rule of the genre.

If you're into bad movies, Mega Piranha is one of them. It's cheesy, but that's what you came for.

Out of Ten? 5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Goemon (2009)

Based on a Japanese folk legend that echoes the tale of Robin Hood, this ninja thriller follows the exploits of Goemon Ishikawa, who leaves his fighting clan after its chief is murdered and uses his skills as a thief to help the poor. But after learning the identity of his leader's killer - the traitorous Hideyoshi - Goemon sets out on a bloody path of vengeance, joined by his loyal friend, Saizo.

In this Robin Hood type story. Goemon is a revered master thief who steals from the rich and gives to the poor.After recovering what they call Pandoras Box, he opens it and it leads him to a scroll/ map. Which eventually leads him to a letter that proves two powerful men were complicit in the death of The former Lord Nobunaga. His adopted father. Now aware of the truth, he sets out for revenge.
Goemon is like "The Spirit" all flash no substance. It's long, dull and it takes itself a bit too seriously [That's what she said.] Plus, I hate when I expect an all out action flick and get sucked into drama. I stopped paying attention halfway through. I may come back to it at a later date, but until then, I'll leave this unrated.

In retrospect, I'll probably never even give this flick a second look.

Unofficial score: 4/10

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Extract (2009)

Poised to sell his successful flavor extract company, Joel's life is pretty sweet -- until an on-the-job accident threatens his livelihood. To make matters worse, his marriage is failing, and a sexy con artist is stirring things up at the office.

Extract is about the owner of a successful flavoring company, who nearly gets taken in by a sweet sexy criminal and has to reclaim his company after its threatened. It is a tough film to write about without spoiling it or just talking nonsense, so I'll sum it up thusly:

Mila Kunis is absolutely sexy. (Her voice can be grating though.)
Jason Bateman is on cruise control. (He really does make it look easy.)
Ben Affleck tries to pretend he's not Ben Affleck by wearing a beard.

 You can't hide behind that beard, Ben. We know it's you. You still stuck.

Out of Ten? 7

Violence? A little
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Dark House (2009)

 

Trying to exorcise her worst memories, Claire returns to the foster home where she witnessed a terrible massacre years ago. Capitalizing on its history, a mysterious showman has turned the infamous mansion into a haunted-house attraction. Claire and her friends soon realize that a demonic force has taken over the building and they've been locked inside with a malevolent spirit who wants to perpetrate another mass murder.

A little girl steps into a house to Prove to her friends how tough she is. Inside she finds the scene of a massacre. 14 years later and seriously troubled, her therapist advises her to journey back to the house, in the hopes that it finally puts the events behind her. She only wants to act and at class, an eccentric man appears and offers her a job at his newest attraction, Dark House, aka the site of the massacre.
 
Once in the house, it does not take long for things to get started. Somehow, as ridiculous as it sounds, the spirits infect the computers running the house and as the night goes on, she finds herself trapped, with solving the mystery being her only way out. (But of course not before they kill the black guy)

When they convince the black guy to go, he says, "I better not regret it."  
Spoiler: He Regrets it.
Fun Fact: He's also the nerd.

Here lies the token. He died as he lived...Negro.

Dark House is like Westworld (1979), a movie in which the programs go crazy and actually harm humans. It is an interesting concept, but the film starts to run on fumes towards the end. It is definitely gorier than I expected, but that was a pleasant surprise.

Tangent question: If these low budget films actually spent less money on gore and more on writers, would the films be better?

Out of Ten? 6

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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