New Year's Evil (1980)

As a nationally televised new years eve celebration rocks on, the host gets an on-air call from a killer promising murder at the stroke of midnight.

Diane Sullivan, better known as Blaze to her fans, is a new wave DJ. Years of dedication to her job has caused her to neglect her husband and son, who have subsequently distanced themselves from her. On New Year's Eve, a killer stalks and aims to kill her. With the police being largely ineffective, she'll have no one to turn to if she intends to make it through the night.

5 minutes into her show, a dude calls in to claim he'll kill at the stroke of midnight in each (U.S.) time zone. Eventually the police figure out that he's headed towards her for his final kill and what follows is both a pretty funny killing spree, a rocking party and a surprisingly modest freak out as our host realizes her end is near.

New Year's Evil was okay. I wouldn't recommend it and I wouldn't watch it again, but it was okay. There's a lot of good music in this film though. This has to be one of the best soundtracks in a horror movie. 

Also, I wouldn't be true to myself if I didn't mention that the killer damn near pulled off the best kill of the century. How are you going to chain someone to the bottom of an elevator, raise it up (again with them underneath) then drop it? That's some sick shit, and he would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling policemen!

Apart from that, I was actually kinda happy to see victim two die as she had a stupid high pitched voice with an accent. Victim three couldn't be bothered to get out of a car as it was being carjacked, instead choosing to protect her modesty and put her clothes back on. Luckily for her, a policeman showed up and saved her. But not before we got 'dem boobs.

Before this, I don't think I had seen a horror movie set on New Years. I figured why not watch this one? [Probably because this movie dropped in 1980, but that's neither here nor there. It's on the blog. Shit is real.]

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of violence
Nudity? Peek a boob.

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Santa's Slay (2005)

Santa Claus is actually a demon who lost a bet with an Angel, so he becomes the giver of toys and happiness. But when the bet is off, he returns to his evil ways.

This movie supposes that Santa is the son of Satan and was tricked into becoming benevolent and I can tell you honestly that If I didn't need an xmas movie for the blog I would have never bothered. But in the first five minutes it's a given that this will be a bad movie masterpiece. It stars Bill Goldberg as the Bad Santa and if he doesn't deliver at least one spear I will never forgive him or me for watching this shit.

The Cast:

• Goldberg (post taser)
• Teen boy - Nicholas
• Teen girl - Mary
• Artie (they let him out of the warehouse)
• Deebo
• Inept cops
• Grandpa

The Situation:

Goldberg is Santa and he's pissed. People will die. Yaks will be ridden.

As the demon rides near, one teen, his girlfriend and his grandfather must stop him before he destroys their town.

The Resolution:

 

Find a way to survive until the end of Xmas

Goldberg looks like he's having fun. That's important.

Stray Quotage:

"You got me a gun? I don't  want to seem ungrateful, but are you a fucking retard?"

"Ho. Ho. Ho's!" [walking into a strip club]

"We're trapped in a closet on Christmas with Santa trying to kill us. How fucked up is that?"

"What in God's name are you doing?
Well I'm just trying to spread a little yuletide fear.

Santa's Slay is a very enjoyable bad movie by my standards. Bad acting, bad cgi, shitty music, explosive presents, Goldberg. This film has it all and what do we get 34 min into the movie? Spear! Spear! Spear! Yes It was a shitty version, but I'll take it. 

Again, if I didn't need the film, I wouldn't have bothered, but I'm actually glad I did. Dude really is a pretty brutal/efficient killer. and I'm all about the Evil Santas.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Yes

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Karate Girl (2011)

Years after someone murdered her karate master father and kidnapped her sister, Ayaka sets out to put her family back together.

 

A ruthless businessman is attempting to control Kurenai Karate all over the world. To do so, he'll need the black belt held by Sojiro Kurenai, the greatest karate master of all time.

After a short battle,  it's protector is slain along with his eldest daughter. The businessman absconds with the black belt and his youngest daughter. With his final breaths, the protector manages to revive his eldest, Ayako and tells her let no man take the belt, which was around his waist the whole time.

About 8 years later, we find Ayako working in a movie theater. She uses karate to stop a pair of purse snatchers and becomes instantly popular with the crowd of onlookers. The pics and videos hit the web, alerting the bed guys to her presence. When the businessman finds out that the belt in his possession is a fake, Ayako is still alive and he was paralyzed for no reason, he  sets out to track down Ayako and retrieve the real one, but not before heart punching one of his henchman.

Keith Gets His Head Kicked In...

What I like about these Japanese karate flicks specifically is that the actors really take a beating to sell it. No punches are pulled and it just looks better. Comes across more fluid I mean. As the end credits roll, there are scenes showing the choreography.

Karate Girl it's not a barn burner, but it is a decent flick and the fight choreography is well done. It's basically about a girl who knows karate and fucks shit up, but only because she's forced to. In the process she reunites with her sister (who the bad guy kidnapped) and it's double the fun as they take out Keith, the biggest, baddest, whitest martial artist the bad guy has on his team. [Dude ate like 8 tandem kicks to the head. 6 alone, just because of his name.] I also found out that this starred the same girl from High Kick Girl!. I thought those kicks looked familiar...

Violence? Yes. No blood though, just kicks to the face.
Explosions? Of kicks to the face
Nudity? No naked ass-whippings

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Dark Skies (2013)

The Cast:

• Felicity
• The Father
• Creepy little boy #1
• The Teen
• J.K. Simmons
• The Greys aka The Space Invaders

The Situation:

A small family in a quiet town finds themselves marked and tormented by strange occurrences, such as the house being attacked by birds, mysterious bruises on their bodies and losing hours at a time in what appear to be minutes. Looking things up online, Felicity finds a connection between the birds, their home and aliens. Eventually they decide to meet with an expert who attempts to help them understand their situation, which is essentially, "They're going to take one of you and you're boned. You're not the first and you won't be the last." To prevent that, they've decided to barricade themselves indoors and await the inevitable. Hoping to fight them off with family unity.

The Resolution:

There is no resolution. This is happening. Shit is real and there's nothing any of them can do to stop it.

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The Greys were probing his mouth in this scene.

When I first heard about Dark Skies, I was under the impression that it was just another insidious/paranormal activity knockoff. While there are some similarities, this movie is different enough to stand on its own. Not saying it's good or bad, just different. On the surface, Dark Skies is a slow burn alien abduction movie that manages to maintain a consistently creepy atmosphere and an impending sense of dread for its characters. 

Beneath the surface though, it's a movie that does nothing for a good long while until it's time to do something and by then the aliens are ready to move. It's both slow and anti climactic. I was sitting there watching it like, "OMG can we just get to the space invaders already!" By the time they do, everything moves so quickly that it's hard to make out exactly what's happening. The end result was already a given, but getting there man...

Random Thoughts/Observations:

• You ever stop to think that aliens have a specific type? Notice that far people are never abducted. Maybe it's harder to get them up the tractor beam? IDK. Either way, being a fat man is the key.
• Idk whether or not a moody teen boy is better or worse than a moody teen girl. But I don't like neither.
• They adopted a dog specifically because they can tell when the aliens are near. The dog was there when they invaded, but wasn't there when the family huddled together? What happened to the dog? I need closure.
• Immediately after dude says that they need to unify their family, they start arguing over what to do next. Classic.
• So evidence points to aliens, and you present this evidence yet you still ask your husband if he's responsible?
• Kids have unexplained bruises and marks on their bodies? Welp, better blame the parents. Especially if you've known them for 20yrs. Who else could it be? I hate that logic.
• I'm a fan of any movie that has felicity banging her head against a glass door. I'm not saying that she sucks, but if there's any actress that should have her head banged against a glass door, it's Keri Russell.
• Getting stoned and watching porn with your bros? Priceless. There's probably a reason your father doesn't want you hanging with that kid.
• It's a fun guessing game to figure out which kid is the creepiest/possessed

Again, the movie is 100% creepy. I've just seen better alien/alien abduction movies. Give Altered a shot.

Violence? Self Harm
Explosions? Of Bright Lights
Nudity? No. Aliens don't want us for sex apparently.

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The Guillotines (2012)

Once used be the emperor to quash all opposition, a squad of assassins known as the guillotines falls out of favor when a new ruler takes the throne.

The Guillotines were a secret group of assassins who were created during the Qing Dynasty to secretly destroy rebellion and further the Emperor's notion of a unified land. The new emperor however, believes that The Guillotines are outdated and firearms are both the future and the key towards protecting the dynasty and furthering his legacy. To that end, he's labeled the group as guilty of treason and ordered them to be executed by firing squad.

A small group of Guillotines were on a mission to save one of their own as she was captured by the enemy. As they reach the rebel village, they discover that the new emperor has declared them traitors and ordered their execution. Finding a cause greater than their own in the struggles of the rebels, they switch sides and help defend their land from the empire's inevitable attack.

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 Chinese Jesus

That Guillotines is an action filled drama that's not really about anything. Okay, it's obviously about stuff, but it's long. The fights are of course, slick and very well done, but that's about it really. And despite its super obvious title, I didn't make the connection to the weapon until I saw the abundance of flying guillotines in the opening scene. Needless to say, I was pleasantly delighted. Until the rest of the film unfolded. Smh. There was definitely not enough flying guillotine and my quest continues. Sooner or later, there'll be a movie with ALL the flying guillotines I can handle, but if I can't find that in a movie called "The Guillotines," I don't think I'll ever find it.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Insidious 2 (2013)

 

Direct Sequel to 2011s surprise hit. Same cast. Picking up directly where we left off. I wasn't planning to watch this so soon, but when opportunity knocks...

The Cast:

• Elise - Spirit hunter
• Josh - Spirit possessed
• Renai - Spirit worried
• Dalton - Spirit hero
• Other kid - useful, in spirit
• Josh's mom - Foxxy in Spirit

The Situation:

Immediately following the events of what we're now calling "Chapter 1," we find Renai in an interrogation room, explaining the previous events to officer Steve Harvey who suspects that Josh is  responsible for Elise's murder.  

Josh and his family move into his foxxy mama's house while theirs is being investigated. They are trying to put themselves back together but it seems the spirits won't let them rest.

Resolution: 

Discovering/realizing/accepting that Josh was in fact possessed, they decided that the best course of action was to try to render him unconscious and expel the demon from his body.

The demon however would have none of that.

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I always feel like somebody's watching me...

Insidious: Chapter 2, tries to be, but isn't as outright creepy as the first. It does get crazy, but It's more of a well written story that aims to bridge the first and (inevitable) third films than an all out scarefest. For what it's worth, it's actually dope how they pieced it together with the footage from the first film. It explained a lot of things and was very well executed. It's not a cheap money grabbing sequel. There's a story and since the studios, in their infinite wisdom, decided that every villain needs a story, Chapter Two is just that. We get to find out the origin of the spirit hunting and trying to kill their family. [Joy!] Dalton, as creepy as he is, is okay, but this story is about Josh, because as the movie unfolds, you realize that this all started with him. 

The end of the film sets up yet another sequel, but if chapter 3 is about the adventures of Elise, Specs and Bad Beard Bret, I wouldn't be too broken up. They are hilarious and have awesome chemistry.

His beard is atrocious and an affront to all bearded men everywhere.

 Random Observations:

• "So that's what that was about" said by a character with a wink and nod to the  events in both films.
• Who names their kid Kali and pronounces it (Kelly)? The same type of people who are named Renee but spells it like Renai.
• Why is everyone's beard so shitty? The costume people had one job. Get your beards right, cuz! You know this movie is opening worldwide, right?
• Josh swears up and down that everything is cool and he just wants to move on. Yet just about everything he says and does is so damn creepy. Somehow this sets off no alarms. 

 

Violence? Alluded to. Little blood here. Little blood there.
Explosions? Of astroprojected madness
Nudity? Implied. But does ghost titty count? It wasn't there. I'm just curious.

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