The Roast of Roseanne (2012)

Comedy presents the Roast of Roseanne. The format stays the same, the roasted and roasters sit on the dais and get at each other. The host for this evening was Jane Lynch, who gave almost as well as she got and endured a fair share of gay jokes. Mainstay Geoff Ross does his thing, running down a stream of one liners and fat jokes, and Amy Schumer and Anthony Jezelnick pretty much wrecked shop. The other roasters were serviceable but didn't get as much laughs as the big three.

The other roasters:

Seth Green
Wayne Brady
Ellen Barkin
Katey Segal
Gilbert Gottfried
Carrie Fisher

Overall, I can't say that Roseanne's was the funniest roast, (that honor belongs to Flava Flav), but this one definitely had its moments. I expected more from Wayne Brady (who seemed woefully unprepared and vindictive), but the rest of the roasters covered for him.

 Amy Schumer is hot and Katey Segal has some big ass titties. Also, Carrie Fisher isn't looking terrible either.

Out of Ten? 7

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Killer Joe (2012)

When a debt puts a young man's life in danger, he turns to putting a hit out on his evil mother in order to collect the insurance.

Owing a debt of $6K to the local town mobster, Chris hears from a friend about Killer Joe. A Texas police detective, who moonlights as a hired assassin. He hires him to kill his mother so that he can collect on the $50K in insurance money. When it comes to light that he can't pay, Joe decides to takes his sister, Dottie, as collateral and holds his entire family responsible. When Chris attempts to wrestle control from Joe, things reach a hectic and climactic end that changes the lives of all involved.


Killer Joe is a slow burn thriller that is basically what you'd expect from a movie about a guy in debt who acquires more debt by hiring an assassin. The movie moved fairly quick as a whole and the story was easy to follow. I am not a fan of the ending, but that's left to interpretation. I can say that shit did get real.

Matthew McMissingshirt, put in a solid performance as Joe. He was creepy, forceful, unhinged, restrained, yet calm, cool and collected all at the same time. Don't get me wrong, there were good performances all around, but his just stood out to me more because I don't like him. But I give credit where it's due, and Killer Joe has to be one of his best roles.

Out of Ten? 7

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No.
Nudity? Yes

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11-11-11 (2011)

After the death of his wife and child, an author travels to Barcelona to see his estranged brother and dying father, where he learns that his life is plagued by events that occur on 11/11/11.

11/7/11

An author wakes up after a nightmare and sees his clock stuck at 11:11.
He reflects on the lives of his wife and son while his publicist tells him how important his writing is.

11/8/11

He finds himself at a support group and hallucinates seeing a little boy. Shortly after, he gets into a car accident. At the hospital, he is dumbstruck that he is still alive although he's been wishing for his death every night.

He gets a ride home from Sadie, one of the members of his support group. At the end of the night at 11:11, he gets a call from his brother Samuel, stating that his father is dying.

11/9/11

He travels to his family's place in Spain to see his father in his final days. There he comes face to face with a gargoyle he's been seeing in his dreams. He brushes it off and goes to his father. Who immediately jumps from bed and gives him an ominous message.

He confronts his brother and confirms his die hard atheist status. He openly acknowledges the statues is in his nightmare.

The caretaker shows him a video of what she believes to be a demon, which he brushes off yet admits that he has been seeing "11-11" a lot. After being creeped out by the caretaker, Joesph looks attempts to look up the significance of 11-11. Not too long after, he starts to hallucinate, complete with Latin chanting, and he even sees a demon.

11/10/11

The creepy caretaker claims she has his date for church, forces him to get ready and says that she's there to restore his faith. After church, he is assaulted by Javier, a man who claims that the doorway is opening and the demons are coming for him.

Talking to his brother, he reveals his 11-11 theory. All of the bad things that have happened in his life have involved those numbers. Hearing him out, both him and his brother go back to the video tapes and as the image of a demon appears on the screen, he proves that something is happening on the 11s.
Looking to confront Javier, he heads to an occult bookstore where he often hangs out. There, Joseph finds out more about 11-11 and the midway beings. It seems they are trying to tell him something. He goes back to his father who begs him to protect his brother. Yet as he leaves he sees the demon again.
He tells Samuel of his encounter with the demon and tries to get his brother to leave with him. He of course refuses, citing his father's belief that he is important and will save his church and maybe his religion as well.

As the date grows closer, Joseph starts to freak out. Samuel stands his ground however as the demon begins his assault.

11/11/11

Now in full belief, he awakens this day to find Sadie in Spain. She was worried and caught a flight. He tells her that his brother may or may not be the savior of humanity, and he may or may not be his protector.

In a hedge maze, Joseph is again accosted by Javier. When he goes to his house to confront him, he finds Javier's shed, which only serves to frighten and confuse him. Javier then returns and immobilizes him, and presumably heads out to kill Samuel. Joseph manages to return to the house and with 12 minutes to spare, shit gets real.  Close to full strength, The spirits grab Samuel and prepare a ritual sacrificed as a terrorized Joseph attempts to stop them.

11-11-11 has all of the standard scares of a spiritual horror film, but doesn't do anything to separate it from the crowd. + unanswered questions make me angry.


I wasn't expecting an awesome movie. It was better than those other 11/11/11 films, but not by much.

 Out of Ten? 5

Violence? Mild
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Hell's Gate 11:11 (2004)

Eighteen years after witnessing her parents' brutal murders, Sara Tobias, can't forget the traumatic event, or 11:11 -- the numbers written in blood next to their lifeless bodies. When a series of supernatural events begin occurring in her college town, Sara must uncover the truth as people she hates start dying and the mysterious numbers seem to appear everywhere she turns.

A Family's quiet and serene countryside life is shattered when two escaped convicts show up and begin the killing. Their daughter, Sara has by some miracle, survived the ordeal, seemingly shooting the two guys herself.

18 years later, we find Sara in university, taking a class on the supernatural. She lives with her aunt Lidia and she has no support from friends or family as they all think she makes up stories and when she's not on her meds, she experiences visions and hallucinations. Her friend, Rayden, is tries to convince her that her hallucinations are her trying to hide and run from her parents death. She claims that no one else was there for her and they don't need anyone else as long as they have each other.
In school she meets Seth, a guy who seems to be kindred spirit. She asks him if he's ever felt like his life was already planned and if the numbers 11:11 mean anything to him. Later at the school, Sara sees a mysterious figure and follows her to the library. It leads her to find a few books and eventually she finds a book called, "The Gate 11:11." Reading on, she finds that the prophecies have been slowly coming true.

Eventually Rayden reveals herself to Sara and tells her that she is a conduit between realms and she called for Rayden's help, many years ago. After a final standoff, Sara leaves with Rayden as she warns her that no one can escape their fate.

Hell's Gate tries is best to build a creepy atmosphere. Slow building the tension, maintaining the ambiance, only going for the meaningful scares. Unlike the other two films, there's no sense of foreboding dread. Ultimately, what does it amount to? Nothing. And a hot steaming pile of it.
Out of the three 11:11 movies, this one was by far the worst.

Out of Ten? 4

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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11/11/11 (2011)

 

Jack and Melissa are frightened by their son's bizarre and violent behavior; they soon learn that he is the gateway to the Apocalypse, and it will happen on his birthday, 11-11-11. 

 
On 11 11 11, The Devil will return  as an 11 yr old boy.

The Father in this story looks like one of the guys in a Just For Men™ advertisement and the mother looks like a cross between Jenna Haze and Blossom. Together, with their son, they are moving into a new house to accommodate the father's new job at the university.

Honey, can I touch up these marks with My "Just For Men?" No? Maybe "A Touch of Gray?"

So, you've moving into a house with big ass claw marks on the wall, and you...don't...ask about it?
My first thought, These people are going to get what they deserve. Eventually a painter is called to touch up the place and presumably paint over the scratches. The painter, who looks like a fat John Travolta, sees the claw marks glow. He backs away slowly and runs towards his inevitable death.

The cliched creepy neighbor tells the father that the kid must die before his birthday and that she will kill him if he doesn't.  He brushes off this warning (naturally),  and the family seeks a babysitter as the mother is pregnant and told to do as little as possible for as long as she can. The Babysitter, who looks like Megan Fox, begins to slowly nurture Matts dark side. Which is surprisingly appropriate.and makes sense considering She's Megan Fox. Essentially.

Eventually, the father notices cuts and scratches on Matts body and immediately bitches out the babysitter and has her arrested.The only negro in the film, an articulate, polite policeman is killed in a fiery explosion when CGI bees at the command of the babysitter, attack him while driving her to the police station. Dude didn't even get the respect of real bee footage. and just so you're sure he's dead, then they threw in multiple explosions off screen.

On the night of the 10th the suspense is palpable as we wait for the easy scare that never comes. 
Confident in the fact that his son is not the devil, Just For Men™ packs up and heads to pick up a birthday cake. It turns out his sons name was Nat. I thought his name was Matt. Shit, that kid was born to be the Devil. He never stood a chance.

It is revealed that the neighbors are part of a Satanic Cult, and are well aware of the child's future and are in cahoots to make sure it happens. The older woman is the only one sane enough to try and prevent it. She employs every trick in the pedophile playbook to get him in her house. Lemonade, model trains, birthday presents,  candy. Finally, she resorts to chloroform and I'm more than positive she's going to ass rape that little boy.

Curses! Drats and Double Drats! Just get in my fucking basement!

After finally getting him into her sex shed, out its revealed that it's not his ass she wants. She wants to perform an exorcism. Failing that, she is going to kill him, I mean, he IS Satan afterall. Just for Men™ rescues Satan Jr. at the last minute and kills the old woman as a token of his appreciation. After watching Satan Jr. kill his wife, he is choked out as the Satanic Cult makes their move. He comes to just in time to rescue the child again and as the boy begins to morph into Satan, he takes him back to the sex shed and kills him, thus saving the world. At the end and In a surprise cameo, the negro cop returns from his fiery bee stung death to arrest Just For Men™, because even death couldn't stop him from arresting a white man.

Now, I'm no expert, but when you raise a kid that goes around stabbing people, it's okay to think about disowning and getting them some help. But you have to question the wisdom of a guy who seeks to save the same child he just watched stab and ultimately kill his mother. I mean, No parent wants to believe that their child is the Devil, but I gotta tell ya, if I was in this dude's shoes, it wouldn't take much more to convince me.

Hindsight being 20\20, I probably should have watched this on 11 11 11. That may have added to the ambiance, but I doubt it would have changed how much this film sucked. It has moments of legit suspense, but ultimately starts and ends flat with many, many questions are left unanswered.

Out of Ten? 4.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No.

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Sorority House Massacre (1986)

Beth, a girl with a mysterious past, moves in with her new sorority. Due to a memory block, she doesn't remember that the sorority house was her childhood home. Her brother senses her presence in the house and attempts to reconnect. Violently.

A group of sorority girls are left to themselves for a weekend after the den mother goes off to travel. so they do what all unsupervised teens do, invite guys and have a party. When the guys show up, they reveal the myth behind the history of the house. It is treated like an urban legend, of course, but we all know what's going to happen.

For the past week, one of the girls, Beth, has been experiencing hallucinations and sees a man wielding a knife stalking her. As the days go on, her dreams become more intense. It is soon revealed that the man is real, has some type of mental connection to her and after he breaks free from the institution, he heads straight for her, with the intent to kill.

When all is said and done, we learn of a connection between the house, the killer and one of the girls...But not before the massacre.

Hmmm...A big ass knife + no minorities. Makes you wonder who gets killed first?

Sorority House Massacre is actually pretty dull. Not too much happens in this film until the end as there's a lot of exposition and setup. It's also quite confusing. (In terms of their actions). Dude is a beast when he starts the killing though, but almost all of that was negated by a girl who literally could not swing a shovel to save her life.

Skip it.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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