Counting Dem Franklins

It's Pay Day, bitches...

It was this or Stacking Benjis and that design just sounds like it sucks outright.

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Maniac (2014)

As he helps a young artist with her upcoming exhibition, the owner of a mannequin shop's deadly, suppressed desires come to the surface.

The Cast:

• Stupid hobbit
• His killin knife
• Knife Fodder
• The entire inanimate cast of Mannequin 
• Hot blonde with shitty accent
  

Maniac, is a surprisingly good and mildly disturbing movie. Shot from the pov of a serial killer, his face is barely seen  outside of when he's looking in a mirror and ALL this dude does, is kill chicks and take scalps, like a righteous Inglorious Basterd.

He becomes obsessed with one female and tries to prove to her that they are perfect together. When that inevitably fails, he pulls out his knife and gets to work. 

Am I allowed to say that I am digging the post Frodo, Elijah Wood? He has fully tapped into his awkwardness. Dude has been awkward since Flipper, yet 30 years later he's finally accepted it and we're all better for it.

Anyway, if you are browsing Netflix and come across Maniac, give it a watch. Very few films I know of have been from the literal pov of the serial killer and I can say that very few are as entertaining.

 

Violence? Yes.
Explosions? Of knife work
Nudity? Yes. That happened.

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The One With More BYOD

I have this form. Do I need to do anything else? 

I need your BB. Do you have it on you?

No.

Okay. I need that and then we can get to work.

Well, how long does it take? 

Not very. Just need the BB to get started.

I get that, but will it take a long time? 

It will take as long as it takes for you to get me that BB.

*Blank stares*

Okay. Do you have your BB?

Yes, but not on me. It's in my office. You asked if I had it on me. 

Fine. You're right. I did.

I will get you the BB. I'll be back.

Okay.

*1 day later*

Hey, I have my BB. I remembered you asked for it.

Pfft. Then you never came back.

Yeah. 
*laughs*

------------------------------------------------

Haha. I just love asking people for help then never returning.  Such a classic gag.

Smh.

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Finger Lickin' Clean

So I was on the train the other day...


...and eventually a woman gets on with her two children, one of whom sits next to me and finishes her fries. She doesn't have a napkin so she begins to lick. Her fingers. Clean. I mean she really got in there, front, back, in between. There were no part of her fingers that hadn't be licked.  It was 100% gross and I could not take my eyes off of this gross little girl. My face was a good mixture of "contempt" and "You Nasty Bastard!"

No exaggeration, it really looked something like this...

After what felt like 5 minutes, I realized that I was staring at that little girl like I wanted to fight her and I had to turn away, lest her big 'ol bad momma noticed. I don't think anyone else saw what happened, but since then, I always carry napkins. Just in case.

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Godzilla(2014)

The world's most famous monster is pitted against malevolent creatures who, bolstered by humanity's scientific arrogance, threaten our very existence.

I'm going to just come right out and say it : Godzilla sucked. It was long, dramatic, and ultimately pretty, but pointless. Most of you have already seen it, so I don't need to give it a full review but here's the gist:

A giant monster, recreated via Japanese science, breaks free and begins to terrorize the globe.  People die. Team America is reasonable for protecting the world from said monster but utterly fails as the monster can't be stopped and awakens a mate. Godzilla, whose existence the military is aware of, has apparently been tracking the monster on his own and rises from the seas to take care of business. Some other shit happened in between, but the day is saved by both Godzilla and the American Military because that's what we do!

Quick bullet point list of why this movie sucked:

• A giant monster rises in Japan, attacks Russian ships and somehow only the American Military is equipped, responsible and actively engaging the threat?
• The military's plan was to drop a nuclear bomb on a monster that they've extensively acknowledged feeds off of nuclear energy. With their logic being, "We're hoping the fallout will kill them."
• They killed Heisenberg
• It's a two hour movie and Godzilla has maybe 15 minutes of total screen time in 3 appearances.
• They humanized Godzilla. Again. Doing everything short of giving him a standing ovation as Godzilla made his heroic march back to the depths of the seas.
• This was supposed to be the largest Godzilla put to screen -which was one of the selling points for this film-but none of that was emphasized. Shit, the other monsters were about as big as he was.
• The movie was not about Godzilla. It was about the American response to the other two enemies. Which is also why I chose the poster that I did for this post.

The best parts about this movie, if there are any, are the fact that they refer to him as Gojira, and the fact that he has fire breath and used it to fire breathe down a monster's throat. 

Godzilla is weak sauce. Again, it's pretty, but that's about all it is.

 

Violence? Was.there really violence? Do we count man vs monster as violence?
Explosions? Not a lot, surprisingly
Nudity? Well, we find out they don't call him Godzilla for nothing...

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Almost Human (2013)

Two years after disappearing in a blinding blue light, a young lumberjack returns to rural Maine and embarks on a murderous rampage.

 
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On October 13th, 1987, a man is abducted when a blue light hits the car he's riding in. Running for his life, his buddy Seth turns to their mutual friend Mark who lives nearby and explains the situation. Mark of course doesn't believe him and soon the threat arrives at his house. After about a minute or so, Seth pulls out his phone to call to Liam Neeson, because Mark is also taken.

That beard enhances beast mode and multiplies his rage.

Since they live in a small town full of idiots, Seth is taken into custody as a suspect in the disappearances of his friends, but he is released due to an unsurprising lack of evidence. 2 years later, Mike returns. Different. Changed. He's headed home, looking to impregnate Jen, who was his girlfriend at the time and remake the planet in his image.

It falls on Seth and Jen to stop Mike who was already an imposing dude, but now that he's on that alien juice, has become  a rampaging beast.

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I'm not going to say. Almost Human was good.

I'm not going to say Almost Human was bad.
I am going to say that Alien Powered Roid-Rage Mike was a fucking beast.
I will also say that there was tentacle rape, if you're into that sort of stuff. No judgements. This is a judgement free blog, freak.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of alien made carnage
Nudity? No

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