Stakeland - 2011

Martin was a normal teenage boy before the country collapsed in an empty pit of economic and political disaster. A vampire epidemic has swept across what is left of the nation's abandoned towns and cities, and it's up to Mister, a death dealing, rogue vampire hunter, to get Martin safely north to Canada, the continent's New Eden.

Badass Vampire hunter, Mister, takes a young man under his wing as he traverses a vampire filled landscape facing many Trials and tribulations on perilous the path north to new eden including crossing the infamous brotherhood. The brotherhood is a gang of  religious fanatics who control a large part of town and in this world, if the vamps don't get you, the brotherhood will.  Improbably, The head of the brotherhood  becomes a hybrid vampire when left for dead by our heroes and he returns to exact some vengeance. He manages to kill the token negro (Rule #3) and the pregnant girl before finally getting got.  Realizing that the boy is ready to stand on his own, he leaves him in the care of a capable woman. A hunter like himself.

The make-up artists should win an award for their work though. Seriously.

Since there isn't much else I want to discuss regarding this film, I present to you, my play-by-play of the most WTF??!! scene of Stakeland:

Okay, There's a hoedown. They're in a peaceful/safe township, why not?  Wait, what's that in the sky? It's the brotherhood. In a helicopter? Wait, these motherfuckers have a helicopter?!  Okay, wait. They're throwing something from it. What the fuck is--wait, are they dropping vampires?!  Are they throwing vampires from the fucking helicopter? What.The.Fuck???!!!


Honestly, I don't know how to feel about that scene. On one end, they threw vampires from a helicopter. On the other, they threw vampires from a motherfucking helicopter!

 Death From Above.

Out of Ten? 4.5

It was a survival/horror/drama. I didn't even know such a thing was even possible.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Gangs of New York - 2002

When his father is killed in New York City, Amsterdam Vallon returns in 1863 to hunt down his father's killer, the ruthless, Bill 'The Butcher' Cutting. It's not easy for Amsterdam as gangs roam a corrupt New York City, with Bill Cutting ruling over everyone.

By now, everyone has seen this flick, so it'll just say this:


What is it with Martin Scorcese and long Fucking films? There should be a rule where the longest you can make your film is 2 hrs. If you can't get your point across in 120min, you've failed and should lose out on potential revenue.

Back on topic, Gangs is actually a pretty good movie and both DiCaprio and Daniel Day-Lewis kill in their roles. It also serves as a lesson in the bloody history of New York. Still, It shouldn't take 3 1/2 hrs to tell the story of a son who vows vengeance towards the man who killed his father. But if you've got the attention span, it works.

Out of Ten? 7.5

Violence? Lots bloody gang violence + armed forces. Looting, Rioting, and at one point, even Cameron Diaz gets punched in the face. You couldn't ask for anything more.
Explosions? Yup Especially when the military steps in.
Nudity? No. 

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The Devil's Double - 2011

Baghdad, the playground for the rich and infamous, where anything can be bought - but for a price. This is Uday Hussein's world and with his depraved lust for debauchery and immorality, he helps himself to whatever turns him on. When army lieutenant Latif Yahia is summoned to Saddam's palace, he is faced with an impossible request - to be Uday's 'fiday' - his body double, or have his family condemned to death. In a world entrenched in betrayal and corruption, knowing who to trust becomes a matter of life or death for Latif, as he battles to escape from his forced existence.

What U-Day Hussain(Saddam's son) wants, he gets. And he wants an old classmate, Latif, who even then.bore an uncanny resemblance, to be his brother.and lookalike. After flat out refusing, he was  given the "do this or we'll kill your entire family" speech and he reluctantly agreed. After tailoring  his look, he's immediately thrust into a life of luxury, brutality and intrigue and becomes his "brother" to all in the social circle and his duplicate to everyone outside of it. After living the life and the seeing the insanity and brutality firsthand, he tries to break free and is punished. Long story short, he spearheads an assassination attempt on ouday, cripples him and flees the country.

Uday is a delightfully insane character and dude has a Solid. Gold. UZI. Whattup. 

The film was set during the Gulf War and occupation of Kuwait. When Saddam was at the height of his power and his find were living the life of wealth and privilege. I have no idea just how much of the story is true, but apparently U-Day Saddam Hussein was a party animal-slash-cooze hound, with a serious mean steak. At one point,  He disembowels a man. Then shoots him in the head. Because he's psychotic like that.  Classy.

Stray Quotage:

-"I could fuck that."
     "It's her wedding day!"
"Hmm...you think she'd let me put my finger in her butt?"

-"Allah, gives me nothing. Everything I want, I take for myself."

-"I like cunt. I love my country, I love my mother, I love my father, but I love cunt the most!"


If you look like Uday Saddam Hussein (or any other infamous historical figure), and you are trying to escape him, why not shave or cut your hair? This part of his logic gnaws at what is an otherwise good film.
Outside of that, I acknowledge that Dominick Cooper is a fucking awesome actor. He played both roles to perfection. I seriously thought they were two different people.

Who the hell is this guy?!!!

Here's the Trailer if you're interested:

Violence? Yes. Did I mention that a guy got disemboweled? Cuz that happened. Some dude was seriously watching his intestines spill out onto the table.
Explosions? Off-screen
Nudity? Pfft. "Everyone get naked or I will kill everyone in here!" This starts an impromptu nude party.

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Ninja Assassin - 2010

Trained since childhood to be a lethal killer, Raizo has since turned his back on the Ozunu clan that raised him and now seeks revenge for their heartless murders. Teaming up with Europol investigator Mika, Raizo steadily butchers his enemies while inching ever closer to the long-awaited bloody reunion with his former master.

Raizo, (which is fun to say with a Japanese accent) defected from the clan after they killed his ninja boo many moons ago, and while they hunt him down, he's made it his priority to wipe them out. [Not trying to defend their actions, but, In their defense though, she showed compassion. Ninjas don't show compassion and they damn sure showed none in killing her.] We get multiple scenes of him training and practicing among the flashbacks that tell his story. At one point, he even does handstand pushups on top of a bed of nails. Eventually he meets Mika, an investigator with interpol, who had drawn the attention of/uncovered the secret dealings of the clan by digging too deep into older (seemingly unrelated) cases.

Really? I always wanted to be a ninja, but this scene showed me that I wasn't Asian enough.

Towards the end, Raizo is finally captured. But with the help of a tracking device placed on him by Mika, the armed forces of Europol storm the hidden ninja compound and bring the pain! Thus setting up the final confrontation between Raizo and the leader of the clan.

Hot. Ninja. Action

Ninja Assassin is quite possibly one of the best ninja movies ever. Swords. Shoryuken, blood gore, you name it. If it was ninja related it was probably in this film. Shit was crazy. But here's my favorite part: the protagonist was actually Asian! No disrespect to Michael Dudikoff and the American Ninja franchise, but your time has passed. Actually, all disrespect and for the record, "American Ninja" is an oxymoron. Jerk.

Ninja Assassin makes American Ninja look like that time we were kids and played "Ninja" in our backyards. 

The logic behind the film is sound. Ninja clans exist and shadowy gov't figures would pay them as mercenaries, because who would ever believe that ninjas are real? However, there's just a couple things that bother me:

1. Parsel tongue - On the hunt, the ninjas speak in a hushed whispers and drag out their "wooorrrdddssssss"
2. Ninja healing factor - Ninjas are mystical, that much is true, but do they possess a super-human healing factor?
3. How he was receiving notice of the clan's activities/targets. - How/why exactly was this happening. He is not in the clan. Why/How is he receiving notice of their targets?
4. The white children - The kids were supposed to be orphaned or otherwise unwanted kids in Japan. How exactly does this happen:

You just know that one of these kids grows up to be Michael Dudikoff.

Violence? Glorious Ninja violence
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Being human (2008 TV Series)

 So, another day, another BBC series. 

Being Human is the tale of 3 supernatural beings who live together and help each other deal with the reality of their situations. George is a werewolf, Mitchell is a vampire, and Annie is a ghost. The show itself, is a Sci-Fi/Drama hybrid, but it has enough action and plot to keep you interested and watching. I like it, and I think you should give it a shot. If you don't like it, your girl will, and if you watch it with her, you'll get the goods. Which makes it all worthwile.

Series Premiere Trailer:

Out of 5? 4.

Violence? Yes. Vampires are ruthless killers
Explosions? Yes.
Nudity? Teased, but you might catch a nipple if you're lucky.

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Legion - 2010

An out-of-the-way diner becomes the unlikely battleground for the survival of the human race. When God loses faith in humankind, he sends his legion of angels to bring on the Apocalypse. Humanity's only hope lies in a group of strangers trapped in a desert diner with the Archangel Michael

Angels are coming to Earth, determined to kill a woman and her unborn child for some reason or another and one defects in order to save both the child and humanity.

Legion sucked. Despite all the gun play and action, I couldn't help shake the feeling that nothing was happening. But that's probably because nothing was happening. The movie just seemed pointless. As for the cast, it seems they thought they were getting involved in something...more...better, I guess. Half-hearted performances didn't help the lackluster script and clunky direction. Dennis Quaid is dangerously close to becoming the Dennis Quaid of Frequency. panicked, losing control, obsessed. Roc makes an appearance as the wise negro/pan hurler and Tyrese is in this film too, trying to channel his inner thug (about 10 years after Baby Boy) and gets eaten for his troubles.

Jodie still lookin' for his mama...

Legion sucked and if that old bitch wasn't scurrying across a ceiling and getting hit by frying pans, this movie would have been a total waste.

Out of Ten? 5

Violence? A heavenly amount
Explosions? No
Nudity? Nope.

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