Friends with Kids - 2012

Two best friends decide to have a child together while keeping their relationship platonic, so they can avoid the toll kids can take on romantic relationships.

Friends With Kids is an ensemble romantic dramedy about two thirty-somethings and life long friends who decide to have a kid with no attachments or commitments to each other. On a primal level, Friends With Kids is Friends With Benefits taken to an extremely ridiculous level. The story however stays the same. At one point, one of the "friends" becomes emotionally attached while the other still thinks it's okay to do everyone/thing else. When true feelings are revealed, a relationship is either made or a friendship is lost.

Bleh.

Here are the three problems I had with this flick:

1) Having a kid will change the nature of any relationship. Period. Once you have a kid, you're not living for you, you're living for them. So what the fuck was really supposed to happen in a "Let's have kids with no strings attached" relationship?

2) You can't tell someone constantly that you aren't into them, then announce to the world that you love them  then reject them with the "I love you as a friend" excuse, then be on some, "I love you. I've always loved you." You can't just turn your emotions on and off on a dime. You'll just come off as schizo and not in control of yourself.

3) "I want to show you how much I love you. Just let me fuck the shit out of you. I promise you'll understand. I will leave you alone forever, if you just let me fuck the shit out of you."

Idk whether I'm more mad that this line actually made the script, or that it actually worked.

Why not:

"Hey baby, Suck my dick. I promise that you'll understand everything once you suck me off and swallow my load." Or "Hey, you'll understand how I feel when I'm pounding your ass. Just let me fuck your ass. I'll leave you alone for life if you still don't get it." (Feel free to add your own in the comments.)


Overall, Friends With Kids is emotional cliched bullshit. A true chick flick. Hot dudes, drama, and unrealistic expectations of/for men. Logically, the idea of that type of relationship is a bad idea that could never end well. But logic has no place in a chick flick, so we get this dreck. There's a reason I don't watch movies like this: they're either to long or sappy, or just plain unrealistic. , while starting off good, FWK immediately fell into both. Plus it was waaaay longer than it needed to be. The acting was dynamite and the laughs came frequently, but by the end you could tell that they had just given up. (see #3)

Out of Ten? 5

Rom-Droms are usually full of shit.  I think the only one worth it's salt was Run, Fatboy, Run.

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes (in a porn)

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Tapped - 2009

Examines the role of the bottled water industry and its effects on our health, climate change, pollution, and our reliance on oil.

Documentary involving bottled water vs tap water.

Informative, but gets boring quickly. I found myself wanting to turn it off. I mean, bottled water it's bad, tap is good. What else do I need to know? But I am glad I sat through the film. The documentary does bring up some very interesting truths:

• 40% of bottled water is tap water
• 775 million gallons of oil to produce bottled water.
• Tap water is the natural "enemy" of bottled water
• Bottled water is not regulated by the fda
• They have their own inspectors
• Their records are not made available to the public.
• There is a lot, and I mean a lot of fucked up shit in bottled water.
• Bottled water companies do not transport across state lines. (This means they don't have to answer to the FDA.)
• Bottled water companies pump from one town in each state, and sell the water back to them

Crazy.

I'm sure that if they cut the towns in on the profits, this wouldn't be such a big issue. Money is an equalizer. Hush money tastes and feels much better. But here's the big question, "Will any of this cause me to not drink bottled water in the future?" Probably not. And I think that's where this documentary fucked up. It is true that bottled water is not good for anyone, however it is so readily available that I doubt people care. Especially given the fact that we have good reason not to trust tap water outside of our own homes.

Let's be real. Would you drink tap/fountain water if you saw this?

Out of Ten? 7

Although biased a bit, towards tap water (understandably), Tapped is pretty well done and offers up very interesting factoids about the bottled water industry and their mindset. If you're at all interested, this movie is currently available via Netflix Instant Watch.

Violence? No

Explosions? No

Nudity? No

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Women in Cages - 1971

American women prisoners in a foreign country. Sex and action.

I don't know if there's a proper way to review these films. It's a women in prison film. They usually run the same. An innocent is imprisoned and either the prisoners are sadistic or the guards are. Usually in these films shit happens until the eventual riot/escape and the heroine manages to be free.

With that being said, there's not much for me to do but wrap this up so I can get to the pictures.

Final Thoughts:

• They can't make movies like this anymore. It's just a different climate. Women have come a long way since skin flicks and society is way too sensitive.
• Pam Grier's chest is a thing of beauty. But her hair in this film is atrocious. She's in the film looking like Buckwheat with tits.

And now, pictures:

Would someone PLEASE get her a hot comb?!

Please.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Chasing Ghosts: Beyond The Arcade - 2007

1982's Video Game World Champions share their philosophies on joysticks, groupies and life.

Documentary covering the "Golden Age of Arcade Games" with the history of the Twin Galaxies video arcade and the original gamers/world record holders who set the stage and pioneered the industry. Walter Day who ran the arcade was basically put in charge by Guinness to be the official video game record/score keeper for the industry.

What I've learned:

• These players formed both the friendships and The rivalries that helped shaped the industry.
• These guys are totally focused and in tune with these games on a level few of us will ever experience.
• Ottumwa, Iowa is apparently the Video Game capital of the world.
• Gamers are definitely competitive and protective of their games and scores.
• There were video game groupies. 
• Their high scores came on 1 quarter as opposed to using multiple quarters.

Billy Mitchell is prominently featured as he is apparently the Video Game player of the Century.
Some of the guys acknowledge that he is that good, others just hate the guy because he's kind of a dick.
I kinda like him. His character at least.His charisma is undeniable. He makes you want to hate him and see him lose, but he really is good. He's the villain video games need Although for scoring purposes, I feel that Walter Day and Billy Mitchell are a bit too close and it's obvious to see that Walter is a fan. He clearly favors Billy.

The classic gaming era began to decline with the rise of home gaming consoles. Arcades closed as more people opted to play at home and When the newer games came out, they weren't games that these all stars wanted to play. So they gave it up. All over the country arcades were closing and In May 1985, Twin Galaxies closed. That was the official Death Knoll for their 15 minutes of fame, but the bulk of them seemed to have landed on their feet. Decent, steady paychecks, wives and families.

I'm a sucker for video game documentaries and Chasing Ghosts sucked me in. Their enthusiasm, love of the games, competition and hubris all show through, even years later as these World Champions reflect on their fame.

Ending this on a personal note: Fuck you, Frogger! How does anyone score more than 50 in that game?

Why do you have a tie and briefcase? Fuck you. You're a frog. 

Out of Ten? 8

Violence? No
Explosions? Of High Scores
Nudity? No

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Bulletface - 2010

Horror and Revenge drive this thriller set in the sex and human trafficking underbelly of a nightmarish city where spinal fluid has become the drug of choice...with frightening consequences.

A Federal agent is sent to prison after a human trafficking deal goes awry. After her brother is killed by the Drug Lord, Marcos, she is released for two days of revenge. Marcos' gang is manufacturing a synthetic drug using spinal fluid. He's looking to recreate a ritualistic formula that would render him practically immortal.

This movie sucked so I'm going to jump to the end:

She succeeds in killing him by overdosing him w his drug.

Moving on...

There are multiple prison rape scenes and I guess they were trying to show what she had been through or what was in store for her so we could understand why she never returned to jail at the end of the two days, but outside of the obvious "don't go to jail or this could be you" heavy handed message they were trying to get across, The significance of  the rape scenes is never discussed.

However, I can appreciate that they put down a mattress before each rapin'. (Considerate rapists are considerate.)

Out of Ten? 4

Violence? Yes
Exclusions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Apollo 18 - 2012

Decades-old found footage from NASA's abandoned Apollo 18 mission, where two American astronauts were sent on a secret expedition, reveals the reason the U.S. has never returned to the moon. 

We're introduced to our astronauts confessional style. They talk about the mission, their families, the.equipment. Then they are finally launched into space. Not long after they reach the moon, they begin to encounter technical interference and general strange DISTURBANCES. After a sample rock goes missing, they head back out to the surface to collect another and find footprints that aren't theirs. The tracks lead them to a discarded lunar lander, apparently belonging to dead Russian Cosmonauts.
Eventually, They realize that they were sent up there specifically to encounter whatever it is that's killed the russian and one of the astronauts is infected. Predictably, the govt tells them that they won't bring them home due to the infection and they are left on the moon to rot. With that, all traces of the mission are either lost or covered up until some rogue website gets their hands on the footage you've just witnessed.

 Apollo 18 Falls flat amidst the unscary "scares." In fact, it Nearly put me to sleep when I tried to watch it. I'm thinking that it was supposed to be more of a psychological thriller. At least until the end, when we finally get a shot of the creatures. But every moment, both until that point and after, was boring.

Out of Ten? 5

Violence? No
Explosions? One
Nudity? No

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