Smooth Operator

So I was on the train the other day...

...and there was a man chatting up this female passenger. He was trying to be smooth and attractive and she seemed attentive but unimpressed.

After about 10 minutes of conversation, he pulled out a glass coke bottle. (The ones with the twist off cap.) Neither him nor the female has a bottle-opener but being as smooth as he thought he was, he decided against twisting off the cap as he was going to open it using the bottom of the seat instead.

As he's trying to get her number, I notice he has not been paying attention to the bottle outside of placing it between the seat. Once he feels it's secure however,  he pulls up. Hard. As soon as the top came off, it sprayed soda everywhere. His suit? Ruined, Her hair? Donezo. Her outfit and the outfits of the 3 unlucky souls in the vicinity? Coke-Stained.

I called it a Moral Victory as he didn't get her number, but he did get her wet.

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Escape From Tomorrow (2013)

On the last day of a family vacation at Disney World, Jim White learns that he's lost his job. Soon thereafter, he begins to lose his mind.

I've actually been led astray by that poster. This movie is pretty bad and there's no salvaging it. I didn't have high hopes or expectations, but I didn't think it would suck sooooo much. While watching, I picked out a few things that irked me:

• This film being black n white. That takes away from the magic of Disney. Which is very well known for its (subjectively creepy) bright and colorful atmosphere.
• The dialogue & characters. Can't really decide which was worst, they both sucked. Like a pair of fake boobs, they neither felt natural.
• The writing/editing/direction. If they weren't so busy running around and filming in secret, the story would have probably felt a bit more cohesive and less rushed/disjointed.
• Smiley, giggly French girls who are clearly stoned and underaged yet are still lusted after American Beauty style by this unemployed middle aged loser. Seriously, one of the girls had braces.
• Cat flu. I guess the logic behind that was: Bird flu has been done. Swine flu is too far out. Mad cow? Not sexy enough. Why not cat flu? Genius.

The novelty of Escape From Tomorrow is that it was secretly filmed in the Disney World theme park, where they explicitly have a "no filming of any kind" policy.  That means that a lot of the film was rushed since they had to film scenes before security caught them. That was pretty ballsy on their part, but it didn't amount to anything but a time waste for everyone involved and everyone watching.

For the first 5 minutes though, it was a pretty good story. I actually sympathized with Jim White, (which is incidentally one of the laziest character names ever) who lost his job while at the happiest place on Earth and has to pretend everything is okay for his family. Not 5 minutes later,  he's standing in line with a bunch of people who are sneezing and coughing and ebola'ing Disney World. The guy doesn't even have health insurance anymore. Throw in an unruly child and a super naggy/frigid wife and I can see why he would go mad.

After that however, nothing. Just visual garbage.

Because Escape from Tomorrow sucks, it feels way longer than it is and should be. To its credit though, although the scenes where Jim White decides that alcohol is the solution to his problems are hilarious, it still doesn't excuse or save this dreck. Overall I'd say it's more of a student film or art-house film that rode the popularity of its viral stunt to a bigger release than it should have had. It flat out sucks though and if I could throw it under the bin, I would. If I could pull a Bill Cosby and buy every copy so that no one else would ever think this was good or interesting or waste their eyeballs in any other way, I definitely would.

Don't waste your time or your life on Escape From Tomorrow.

 

Violence? Yes...No. But that would have improved the film.
Explosions? Of boredom and nagging wife rage
Nudity? No They did film in Disney World, pervs.

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The Haunting of Helena (2012)

 

Soon after Sophia's young daughter loses her first tooth, a visit from "the tooth fairy" turns into a gory nightmare that won't stop.

Stop. Stop. You had me at gory.

The Cast:

• Creepy Kid
• Oblivious Adults
• The Tooth Fairy
• Benito Mussolini

The Situation:

A recently separated woman finds an apartment for her and daughter to live in and start fresh. Unbeknownst to her, their home was the site of a grisly domestic attack many years ago and since then, the woman haunts the place looking for her teeth, which were removed in the attack.

When Helena loses her first tooth and places out under the pillow, it awakens a supernatural force that sets its sights on her and kills anyone who tries to take her away.

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I'm actually a fan of Tooth Fairy lore. The very idea that someone creepily enters your house while sleeping and leaves you money for your teeth? That's pretty fucking creepy and when done right, it makes for some pretty interesting stories. (I.e. Darkness Falls and the first and second acts of The Haunting of Helena.)

Helena is actually kinda decent and quickly goes from 0-60 after the titular(heh) character loses her first tooth. How so? Well, the very next day her mother is called to school because she's been buying other children's teeth with money the tooth fairy has given her to do so. WWII era money. Crazy, right? Why was this not given more attention?  Because Helena is a child and everyone instantly dismisses everything she says and does as child stuff.

Movies like this annoy me. If the kid tells you that shit has gotten real and you're a witness to shit getting real, why not put 100% faith in the kid going forward? Clearly they aren't lying! That's like the one of the dumbest tropes in horror flicks.
 

If I have a kid, and something like this happens, I'm either believing every word they say, or I'm putting them down. Better safe than sorry I always say.

On the other end of the spectrum, her mother wears Uggs and clearly deserves all that happens to her.

/rant

Again, that nonsense aside, it's a decent little film with a few scares and a solid premise. The visuals are pretty good and the story does just enough to keep you watching until the end.  After that? Well, it'd be too late to do anything about it. Unless you're a blogger. Aww who am I kidding?  no one reads this crap.

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Dead End (2003)

Deadly Consequences arise when Frank and his wife opt for an unfamiliar ride through the first and stop to pick up a mysterious hitchhiker.

 

A clearly disgruntled family is driving down the road on a trip to a relative's house for Xmas. It's the type of trip where you stay on the same road and the car never runs out of gas, so needless to say,  everyone is edgy and tense and ready to get stabby. Along the way, the father inexplicably picks up a hitchhiker and stops at a barn filled with all types of blunt, sharp and stabby weapons. Mildly subverting the genre, that barn actually does not come into play other than being a landmark of sorts for later events.

Well, how do they die then? I wish I could tell you, but they all died off screen as if this was some PG-13 wank fest. Even the few who died on screen were pretty tame.

Anyway, as much as I enjoy Ray Wise, even he couldn't save this movie. The ending alone cost it a few stars and yes, while it ended the only way it could, that doesn't changed that it sucked. 

Hitchhiking Pro-tips:

• If you should ever find yourself driving down a road, possibly lost, do not stop to pick up any hitchhikers. 
• Do not stop for shit left in the middle of the road. 
• Do not ever get out of the car and I shouldn't have to tell you this, but do not let your only daughter walk down the road by herself especially when you have no earthly idea where you are.

 

Violence? Yes. Maybe. Idk was off-screen
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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The Big Bang

So I was on the train the other day...

...idling, when a very tall man entered the train car. He went for a side seat, didn't notice the pole overhead, and banged into it. From where I sat, not only was I able to hear the impact, but I was also able to see the result. Basically, the pole was not going to give, so his head did and quickly. Afterwards, he sat down as if nothing happened.

I began to stifle a laugh and when I looked up, I noticed that the dude who sat across from me was just staring at me, basically daring me to laugh. I pulled out a book to try to cover my face, but that made things more obvious when I realized I was "reading" upside down. I laughed harder after that.

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Rigor Mortis(2012)

 A public housing tenement is plunged into a dark storm of supernatural chaos.

The Cast:

• The Bella Twins
• The Soulless Body aka David Blaine
• The Bait
• The Hunter
• The Dark Lord

The Situation:

After accidentally murdering an old man, the Dark Lord, who happens to dabble in necromancy, makes a promise to bring him back to his grieving widow. He manages to do so, but notes that he's missing a soul. To his delight, there are twin ghosts terrorizing the building who just happen to be looking for a body to inhabit.

Peanut butter meets Jelly and shit gets real. Coming to the rescue is the bait and the Hunter who helps although he'd rather just cook rice and get along with the ghosts.  

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Rigor Mortis is supposedly a homage to a series of Hong Kong Vampire flicks. I don't know anything about that. What I do know, is that this film combines two of my favorite genres (supernatural and martial arts) and spits out a very decent film. The visuals are fantastic and not to be understated. The monster was bad on its own, but definitely worse once infused with twin magic.

My prediction? You won't love it, you won't hate it, but you'll enjoy how pretty it looks.

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of violence
Nudity? Nope

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