Wilderness (2006)

The tough teen inmates of a juvenile institution are dropped in a dense forest in a small British island, where they're expected to learn how to work as a team after a fellow prisoners death. But their backwoods rehabilitation hits a snag when they realize they are being hunted and they have to fight for survival.

In a male youth detention center, two kids are relentlessly bullied. After one takes their life, the boys are sent to a remote location known as "the island" to be taught a lesson in team building and compassion. Once on the island, they see signs that they may not be alone and soon find another youth group, this time female.

After a dead hobo is found, the two groups work together to contact the authorities, but when the kids start to disappear and the male leader takes a few arrows to the torso, leaving the island doesn't seem possible. With the adults out of the way, the kids are being hunted and are left in the woods to fend for themselves.

What The Fuck??!!!

Wilderness is long and gets kinda boring fairly quickly. It is surprisingly gory, but that's about all it has going for it. As The kids are picked off one by one, there's no need to look for the who and why, because they've been telling you all along.

Out of Ten? 4.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

Read More

April Fools Day (1986)

A group of nine college students staying at a friend's remote island mansion begin to fall victim to an unseen murderer over the April Fool's day weekend.

What would an April Fool's Day movie be without any April Fool's Day pranks? Over the course of the weekend, the gang manages to gag each other back and forth, but when shit gets real, their attitudes change.

Prank#1: Two friends play with a knife and one stabs the other. 
Prank #2: Whoopie cushion
Prank #3: Chair with false legs.
Prank #4: Holes in drinking glass
Prank#5: Exploding cigar
Prank #6: Rigged sink that sprays water
Prank #7: loose doorknob
Prank #8: Crying baby on tape recorder
Prank #9: Rigged lamp (lights shifts around room)
Prank #10: Chair with false legs (redux)
Prank #11: A woman has her throat sliced

One of the teens is got and another two find his body floating by the boat House as they were about to get it on. Things pick up when they decide to go look for him, and another disappears. Muffy appears and sports an entire character shift that was done so well, I seriously thought that they had changed actresses in the middle of the film!


One of the girls volunteers to go to the well to fetch some water. Inside the well, she finds 2 severed heads and a whole body. Understandably she freaks out and the teens lock down the house until help arrives, but it turns out that the killer is already inside.

They assume it's Muffy based on her new demeanor, the suggestion from the constable to never be left alone with her and the dolls they've found in her room that oh so clearly represent them, in death. They immediately split up following that revelation, but somehow (improbably) don't die. At least not before discovering that Muffy may be an escaped mental patient. They find a boat and return to the house for the keys. There they discover the secret that makes the entire film worth it.

Plus there's this:

 The Octopus!

Seriously, how have I missed this film?

Violence? Mild
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

Read More

Bikini Spring Break (2012)

Franny, Zoe and the girls leave their small-town, conservative college for a national championship competition in Florida, but their rivals are fierce. Will they be able to pull it off despite all the roadblocks in their way?

A school marching band is in the locker room getting ready to march at a game. After a camera is introduced, the girls have their bare boobs plastered all over the jumbotron at the school. Soon they receive the news that they are going to nationals in Florida, during spring break.
On the way to Florida, their bus breaks down and they are told they will need about 3-4k to replace the engine. So then the film launches into a "lets put the girls into sexy situations so that they can make that money" film. (Including jello wrestling.) Eventually their coach catches up to them and he reveals that they have no shot at winning because they aren't going there to perform, they going there to be laughed at, as a result of the jumbotron incident from earlier. The girls decide to go anyway, as making it to nationals has been the point of the film. When they're done there, they decide to head back into town for more jello wrestling.

Bikini Spring Break is as the title suggests, a spring break movie. You already know what to expect, and the film certainly delivers. The only real difference? The girls are in a marching band as opposed to being cheerleaders.

Shhh. Don't debate me on semantics. Here are some pictures:

 Out of Ten? 5

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? There were tits from the opening credits

Read More

Bruiser (2000)

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Read More

Roast of Flava Flav (2007)

Notorious rapper and reality television star Flavor Flav is given the business, Comedy Central style, in this totally uncut and uncensored roast hosted by "Roast Master" Katt Williams.

Hosted by Katt Williams, the roasters included:

Jimmy Kimmel
Patton Oswalt
Ice-T
Snoop Dogg
Carrot Top
Lisa Lampinelli
Bridgette Nielson
Jeff Ross
Greg Giraldo
Sommore

Every single person on the dais got at least one big laugh, including Carrot Top and Bridgette Nielson who while also being the weak links, provided the rest of the crew with the necessary ammo to keep the the show going. Plus, anytime you have Ross, Giraldo and Lampinelli on the same dais, you're gonna have a good time.

Top to bottom, The Roast of Flava Flav is one of the best roasts in modern times. Flava Flav is like one of those gifts who keeps on giving. and is a perfect target for this type of event.

Out of Ten? 8.5

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

Read More

Site Update

On the suggestion of a coworker (not to mention with a little competitive prodding on her part), I've recently joined icheckmovies.com and I figure it would be a good thing to integrate it into this blog. For those unaware, icheckmovies is an online database which allows you to keep track of every movie and or TV show you've ever seen. They have official lists of certain movies and you can earn awards for completing a list. (It should be known that I have problems with "greatest movies" lists. The bulk of the films on them are crap because people like crap. The others are just too old, but I figure this should be fun. I've always wanted to know how many movies I've seen.)

Going forward, I do not aim to go out of my way to watch any of the "most liked" films but if I come across them, I'll watch and, indicate that it's a listed movie in the review. I figure this should (at the least) offer some diversity to the site and give you guys a break from all the crappy B-Movies I've subjected you to over the past two years.

You can catch me on there as MoviEALD.

*you can read her stuff over here. There are some good day in the life stuff and observations, and above all else, it is entertaining.

Go. Go now!

Oh, expect a site redesign sometime in the near future. 

Read More